Wednesday, May 27, 2015

500 Words, Day 8 -- OkCupid: Shenanigans All Day

Pink and blue for the babies you're going to have together?
One thing I find particularly awesome about this #500WordsADay nonsense is that when I’m out of ideas, I go back and find something I started that wasn’t quite ready to go up at the time.  This piece is from last spring when I had just joined this online dating website that rhymes with “oh hey stupid.”  I was pretty obsessed with it at the time although now I’m kind of over it except for the galvanizing effect it has had on my comedy writing.  Blog fodder plain and simple.  I did meet some nice guys though, and I drank a lot of awkward Starbucks lattes.  I realized I’m not really ready to date when I found myself on first dates talking incessantly about my ex and The Nightmare Years™   Nothing says “check please” like a middle-aged divorcee with tears streaming into her tiramisu.  Okay, it wasn’t that bad but damn, that’s a funny line, 

OKCupid.  Or as I sometimes think of it, "An Excruciating Trip Down Memory Lane.”  I log in to my profile aaaaand I'm instantly transported to the middle of my sophomore year in high school.   All the same types, guys and girls alike here.  Let's start with the type of guy I call the Triple A Special:   Amazing,  Arrogant, and Aloof.   These guys remind me of cats.  And I don't like cats.  I can feel shitty about myself without their help.     These guys would clearly never be interested in me so of course I throw myself at them because who can resist that kind of self-esteem greenhouse?  I am drawn to them like a bad writing to a cliche.   Judging by the pickings on my side (yes I do visit the ladies’ profiles too -- it’s for the blog, remember?), maybe I stand out because let's face it, I'm amazing too.  Right?

Except for maybe not.  

I'm thinking of starting a new profile to watch over my real profile:  eleanorrigby will be her name and she'll keep her face in a jar by the door.  Ah, look at all the lonely people.   She's the one I can use to peruse the Triple A Specials without revealing my true fake identity.   OKCupid is free, but there's this premium service called "The A-List" that you have to pay for.   Then you can visit profiles without them seeing you were there.  It's not stalking per se but I love what you've done with the baby's room.  Also, people rate you by giving you stars (ugh trauma again) and four or five stars means you like the person.   If you like them and they like you, it’s time to head to the tree in which you'll be doing some K-I-S-S-I-N-G.    In other words, "It's a match!"  Uh-oh.  Awkward Starbucks Latte No. 147.

According to the "Staff Robot,"  the faceless benevolent machine driving this Hellbound Express, over 200 people like me, but I don't get to see who they are unless I pay for this "A-List" shenanigans.    But honestly.  Um, no.  I refuse to open my wallet to an online pimp who is cockblocking me and holding me hostage (Can a woman say it's cockblocking or do we have to get junk-specific?) Anyway. Fuck you, OKCupid.  You and the algorithm you rode in on.  I bet you couldn't get a date in high school and this is your revenge on the rest of us.  



  1. Two spaces after fullstops. :( *frantically scratches walls*

    1. Scratch away. I've typed more sentences than you've probably read, and I've never NOT put two spaces after the period. Colons, too. ZFG

    2. Hey, I read your post. -_-

      I even went to okcupid and created a profile... then freaked out and deleted it. Whatever.

  2. It's called clam-jamming, FYI. Just because you asked. I got called for saying cock-blocking (big fan of hard consonants am I), and was told I was required to say clam jam.....Regardless of that painful visual you are hilarious....I won't quote any of the super funny lines back at you because I would have to copy and paste the entire effing blog. Brilliant words as usual!

  3. Girl, you're brave to even go on there. I did the eHarmony thing and that was enough for me. Is OkCupid flooded with pictures of guys on their motorcycles?

    I'm loving these frequent posts :)