I'm thankful I'm only forced to spend two days a year with my sister-in-law.
(Surely we can whittle that down to one.)
I'm thankful for the booze, pie and xanax that will make the day tolerable. And that there aren't more people in the family that I have to pretend to like.
(Seriously. Walking advertisements for birth control, the lot of them.)
I really want to say I am thankful I have decided to leave your mentally abusive ass after 20 years. I’m not sure how, but I am done. Thankful that I will have a life of my own next Thanksgiving.
(Your keyboard to God's ears.)
As soon as grandma dies, I'm not coming to this stupid dinner any more.
(She's the only one I really like.)
I’m just here for the food.
(And even that's not all that great.)
Spending the holidays with "family" always brings out my deepest wish -- that I was adopted.
I hate Thanksgiving food. Mom, your house is fucking hot! And my brother is an asshat.
(Seriously, Mom. It's called a thermostat. Thermasshat. Okay, I'm going.)
To my lovely family: I have worked hard to shop for, plan and prepare this feast for us. You applauded my efforts with a rousing chorus of "Is it ready yet?” After we all eat ourselves into a stupor, do not (once again) decide it’s time to grab your shit and leave me with all the clean-up. Because, seriously, for Christmas I might just make a big fat saliva pie for you all.
(My favorite kind.)
To my baby sister...you're a spoiled rotten 29-year-old woman, engaged to the wrong man and we all know it. You need to get your priorities straight and remember your sisters will always be here for you when your future husband is long gone.
(Because family can't get a pre-nup.)
Here's to the tryptophan kicking in before somebody mentions politics and religion.
(And by "tryptophan" you mean "Sominex")
Next year y’all need to come up with some cash cause I'm tired of spending $300 on Thanksgiving. Does it occur to you bitches that now I'm broke so we need leftovers?
(Yeah, pony up. Losers.)
Why are you all such a bunch of unhappy, miserable bitches?
(It's a fair question.)
YOU are not the star of this show. The rest of us are here to enjoy a nice meal and conversation. Stop throwing around the threat that you are going to cut us out of your will if you’re not made the center of attention. We already know you have! Touche!
(En garde, motherfucker.)
I love you kids, but if given the opportunity to go back in time, I would NEVER have married your father or had any of you. I would just have had goldfish -- when you get tired of them it's not illegal to flush them.
(NOW you tell me.)
Thank you, God, for my mother-in-law FINALLY showing her true colors at her job so now they know what she's really like. A bitch.
(Just between us, I knew it all along.)
To my parents: I've had enough of your irresponsibility and immaturity. You've ruined enough of my holidays; thanks to you guys, I haven't had a happy memory of a holiday since I don't know when. Go screw yourself. Take your guilt trips, your drama, your alcohol, and your negativity and go away.
(I went with the Oxford comma on this one. Judges?)
I don't want to hear you bitch and moan about my mother anymore, because you are the dumbass that married her lying and cheating ass not once but twice.
(Twice. Fucking *twice.* Come on!)
As cold as it sounds, I'd like to tell my daughter’s mother-in-law to shut the fuck up and die already. She has cancer and every minute of the past seven years they have catered to her needs because she's dying. Buy the fucking farm or move on.
(It does sound cold. But you did warn us.)
Why did you marry that bastard?
(Well? We're waiting.)
(Whoa, dude, way to front-load that holiday weekend.)
I'm thankful my wife is no longer in my life. I'm thankful I will be spending my Thanksgiving alone, instead of being with all the drama stars from her family. I'm VERY thankful for my Klonopin.
(This one's going out to Roche Pharmeceuticals -- y'all rock.)
To my ex-husband -- thanks for being the ultimate asshole. The upside, I've lost 65 pounds and I look fucking great. SO SUCK IT, ALL OF YOU. Sincerely, Your Smokin' Hot Ex Wife Who Was Always Too Good For You
(I did not write this. But I could have. Except I only lost 20 pounds. Beautiful.)
Your kids are ugly, your turkey is dry, the Christmas grab is stupid, if you actually looked for a job you'd find one, nobody here likes you!
(And let's be honest. Can you blame them?)
(I will definitely drink to any toast with "misogynistic" in it.)
You are all grown, though you act like a bunch of kids. Be grateful for what you have. Some folks are cold and hungry, yet they don't complain. Your sister is the one you say has mental illness, but she is the only one that has her shit together.
(Lunatics are the true poets, and you know it. Bam.)
I can't stand any of you. Really. I would be happier eating a turkey sandwich alone with a glass of wine watching mindless TV, than have to spend one minute with any of you. And discipline your kids. FFS.
Do you think for once someone could ask what's going on in MY life? Just because your job rules your life and it's all about you, doesn't mean my kids and I don't exist.
(You know, a lot of Narcissistic Personality Disorder gets diagnosed during the holidays.)
I would like to thank my mother-in-law for raising a selfish, alcoholic man child that has no concept of money, and my husband for wasting eleven years of my life. Cheers!
(In other words, MIL, you should have swallowed.)
So there you have it, boys and girls. There's plenty of Familial Hostility for seconds, but finish your plate and let's open some presents. Wait, that's next month. Ugh. See you on the therapy couch. As if.
Look for Part Two next week.