Each year, I ask the readers to send me their secret holiday greetings. The ones they wish they could say to their so-called families at this so-called season of giving. This year I couldn't bring myself to do it. Reading the infotainment that masquerades as news, scrolling through scathing social media, pounding my fist on the dashboard at drive-time radio, I am heartsick. So I thought I would dust off a post from last year, when we had no idea what horrors lay ahead of us, when we thought the worst thing about Thanksgiving was having to defend ourselves from the onslaught of familial passive (and not so passive) aggression. Without further clichéd ado . . .
I am eternally grateful for my fussy-faced husband for finally stopping the 30-pack-of-beer-a-day habit. Thank you also for the fine case of genital warts.
(Guess he wasn't that fussy-faced after all)
Fuck you all very much for eating all my jalapeño cheese dip and blaming it on the two-year-old.
(I hope he's potty-trained because that diaper will be insanity.)
I am thankful that I have enough self-control not to get all stabby with my fork when my sister's boyfriend chews with his mouth open and food drops out of his mouth.
(That's pretty gross. If you're not using that fork, may I?)
No mom, you cannot pray my gay away. I'm afraid my sexuality doesn't quite work like that. So! Who wants pie?
(I do! A big gay piece of pie! And kisses!)
Daughter-in-Law -- go right back out the front door you came in and keep on walking. You’re a lazy slob who does absolutely nothing for your family. My son owns his own business and works 16 hours a day all while taking care of your daughter. You need to go home to your Minecraft family and have them cook you Thanksgiving dinner.
(Could that happen? That would be fucking awesome.)
Eat, and get the fuck out so I continuing drinking this memory out of my mind.
(Oh, Barkeep <rattles ice in empty glass> )
You are all immature, selfish assholes and I would rather eat ramen by myself. Your children are not cute. They are monsters you have created.
(Preach. And don't forget the scrambled egg in the ramen. Because protein.)
I'm glad you're all here to hear this together. I'm leaving my husband, and I never ever want him to come home or to be close to him and all I ever want to do is drink when all of you are around so fuck you. My lawyer and I are going to take half of your money.
(And then I'm going to pay my lawyer with the other half.)
Stop telling me how to raise my kids when I'm raising yours. Stop telling me I'm doing it wrong!
(Back off, bitch, I got this.)
Ten fucking years, you sorry son of a bitch. I have supported you, rewritten my dreams, raised children alone through four fucking deployments and now you say you don't want to be married to me anymore? You say YOU HAVE NO MOTIVATION TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE? Fuck you.
(Now we have no motivation to cancel that hitman.)
I just want full blown Tourette’s to sink in at the dinner table. CAN YOU PLEASE PASS THE MASHED POTATOES SO I CAN SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS! PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE DRUNK MOTHER FUCKER CUNT!!!
(So many doctors miss that Tourette's diagnosis the first time around.)
I love each of you but if you got off your ass and washed a dish I'd love you more.
(Just one from each of you would do it, I think.)
Well, another year without a loved one here. Prison does that to families. We can only trudge on and hope no one else gets locked up this year. But at least we can all be thankful another criminal is off the streets. We miss you, Cousin Craig. I hope you got the soap on the rope I sent.
(Soap on a rope is funny in and of itself, but the prison thing was inspired.)
No, mom didn't love you more than anyone. She hated us all the same.
Stop wearing men's basketball shorts and t-shirts everywhere, you're a 53 year old teacher. Lose the mullet.
(Every family has that one guy . . . .)
Thanks for showing up empty handed. I couldn't find anything better to do with my holiday than to cook for you ungrateful, mooching, sorry ass fat fucks. Happy Thanksgiving.
(Something tells me they really DGAF about what you just said. Wasted words -- so frustrating.)
Thank you to Diesel fuel and my Mercedes’ longevity for making this drama-free Thanksgiving possible, far, far away from the people who make me need Ativan.
To my mother in law: You are a narcissistic bitch who raised a couple of man-infants. Nice work.
("Narcissistic" is a word that gets a lot of airplay this time of year.)
As you all know, a year ago today I was inpatient for depression and suicidal ideation. As you also know, not one of you were there for me. Despite that, I have gotten much better. I am NOT going to pretend that I have my shit together. But I'm getting there. Pass the wine!
(Next year in Jerusalem! Wait. Wrong holiday.)
Thanks for leaving me with so much guilt I can't breathe when I sit next to you.
(I felt that in my soul, no sarcastic)
Kids, I just want to say how fucking disappointed I am in all three of you. I know you listened to your father when he said "It's all in her head, she's a psycho.” Fuck off. Love, Mom.
I'd like to thank my mom who no longer speaks to me. I raised myself and YOU lost out. This is the last time I give you any power.
Please tell me again that I'm such a bad parent for keeping my child and raising him and giving him everything he needs, not wants, NEEDS to succeed in life, when you’re only 24 and have had so many abortions your cooter is gonna fall out?
(Crap. Could that really happen?)
MIL: You are a self-centered narcissistic bitch. We are never speaking to you again.
(She probably didn't hear you so it's just as well.)
It would be really nice to actually be invited to dinner instead of having to call around asking which family member is hosting this year and then inviting myself.
You are a rotten, abusive, piece of shit husband. And I am planning on divorcing your ass as soon as I can find the nastiest shark lawyer on the planet.
(Hit me up, I know someone.)
I feel guilty for feeling depressed when I have so much.
(The realest of the real. Hang in there, honey. I promise you, it may not get better, but it will get different. You are not alone.)