Thursday, November 10, 2011

What Mania Means to Me

I wrote this post before I even had a blog.  I was inspired by a friend who had just been diagnosed.  She was in a full-blown manic episode.  Watching her go through that reminded me of what my own episodes were like.   I'm calm enough now to articulate what it feels like to be so brilliant that you can't describe it.  Which is pretty goddamn ironic, if you ask me.

A Beautiful Mind--it's a lot like that
The hallmark of mania for me is how I feel like a superhero.  Creative and brilliant and simply on *fire* with wit and humor.    When I was riding the crest of a manic wave,  I used to say that I didn't need to eat or sleep because I was bionic.  I got really angry with people who said I was wrong to feel that way and that I needed to go to the hospital and take meds so that I wouldn't feel that way any more.   I would get so angry that I would snarl at them and claw and hiss and refuse to get out of the car.  Wouldn't you?  After I was finished the treatment that stopped that wonderful, invincible, genius feeling, I would quit taking my meds cold turkey.  I would carouse until all hours of the night, telling anyone who would listen my bright new ideas that tied up every loose end in the universe with one beautiful bow.   Holding court on the floor of my room in college, knocking over the bong with my expansive sweeps of my arms as I pontificated to my housemates, who thought I was brilliant, but knew I was nuts.  Destroying relationships.  Winning hearts and breaking them. Staying in my room for days, talking to myself and scaring my roommates away.  Ending up in the nut house time and again.

Now I can recognize when that superstar quality starts to burn and I know I have to nip it in the bud.  I let my husband know (like he can't tell) and I go see the shrink and get extra support and what have you.  It is the hardest thing in the world to voluntarily let go of that genius feeling.  I simply cannot tell you.  But I know that I must.  As great as the high feels, the low is going to be a gut-punch that knocks me flat, even though I know it's coming.  So I take my meds and gather my loved ones around me and brace myself.

The hallmark of a depressive episode for me is not wanting to be here. I don't think about suicide per se.  I don't want to die.  I just want not to be here.  Everything I've done wrong (which is basically everything), every mistake I've made, every conversation gone awry, every wasted opportunity with my kids, my career -- they all gather together in a threatening thundercloud that hovers over me.  The horrible angry voices of what I call "The Committee" begin the litany of exactly how worthless, no, harmful my presence on the planet has been.  As evidence of why I shouldn't be here.  Shouldn't *have been* here.  This whole time.  I just want to curl up as small as possible, until I take up no space.  No one sees me.  I'm not here.

So.  Staying in the middle is a good thing.  Boring and safe.   Learning to feel my feelings, but not too much.  That's a tough one.  Because I feel my feelings.  A lot.  Possibly more than I should, whatever that means.  Apparently there is a normal amount of feeling, though how you could measure it, I don't know.  It certainly doesn't sound very fun to me.

My job is to stay safe.  To have creative energy, but not too much.  And to channel it in ways that make me glad to be here.  And to let it be okay to feel sad, from time to time.  But if "worthless" pops up on the psychic horizon, it's time to blow the whistle.  Time to remember to do the things that help me, in addition to my meds.  Swimming.  Playing music.  Creating this page, working out my thoughts, writing, laughing.  Making people laugh and shake their heads in self-recognition.  And maybe a little relief that they are not alone.

SUIT UP!
I have a mantra that is blinding in its banality.  It's insultingly simple.  And yet it works for me.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but my mantra comes from a sitcom (yeah, I watch TV, I have teenagers, don't judge) called "How I Met Your Mother."

"When I'm sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead.  True story."

Of course it's not that easy.  But it reminds me that this too shall pass and I will be awesome again.  Until I'm not.  And so on.  In the meantime, I have a blog and a page.  And a lot of friends I've never met.  Who get it.  More than most people I know in real life.  I'll take it.  I mean, what else ya got?

Namaste.  And if you're wondering what that means, suffice to say that we meet in the middle where there's mutual respect and understanding.  We give each other the benefit of the doubt.  We forgive ourselves and each other.  We're good to one another.   We don't have a choice.  This is it.  Namaste.

21 comments:

  1. It really is the hardest thing in the world to let go of that feeling, but I have a tendency to destroy relationships if I don't. I've had to hurt people's feelings by telling them I can't speak to them while I'm manic. ((My advice to them is silence is better than what would come out of my mouth if I did speak, so take the few weeks of silence and wounded feelings. We'll be happier in the end and the wounds won't be fatal... as they would have been had I kept running my mouth.))

    Never mind how bad the other side sucks. I'll be there soon enough.

    Great blog. I'm hooked.

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  2. You have described, very eloquently, the entire experience. And, you also described the attempt to control. I wish more people would be so honest about their difficulties. I think we would find that there is no actual "normal". Thank you for your candor.

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  3. My mantra is I am the Southern Belle from Hell that doesn't have a tumor on my humor. Vitamin K keeps our marriage relatively calm. Manic Depression is low hanging fruit in my family, but no one acknowledges it. I'm 45, started meds about 20 years ago, and wished my Irish family would have said something to me. Like when I went in to get ECT ( for the 2nd go)- my aunt tells me, your Grandma had that done in the late 60's. She could have told me that 35 shock treatments before. I am the bipolar bear! You crack me up with your acerbic sense of humor. Ta!

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  4. I love your blog! Honesty at its' best! Thank you!

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  5. Wow. Great description of the way it feels, both depression and mania. Sigh. Thank you for being real and telling it like it is.

    Namaste.

    http://runningfromhellwithel.com

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  6. It's really refreshing to c others that feel like I do..... I don't know "normal" (the norm for others) I know if I let myself ping to high there's going to b an uncontrolable low to follow. Btw I love pinging!! :) If I get upset or pissed off I WILL shut down and be non functional for at least a week. I've been medicated/unmedicated for yrs but after truly losing it 4 yrs ago March and having to be hospitalized for 2 wks I decided meds werent so bad! hell I couldn't even sit up and converse with u, I wanted to change drs so they told me I would have to fill out some forms (@the hospital) I could not even write my own name much less fill out forms. Anyway... love the blog!!! journaling is a good thing and blogging rocks!!!! (U get responces LOL)

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  7. This is the first time in my life someone has been able to put the blender full of emotions that is stuck on puree that is my mind and explained it. Thank you! Thank you for your strength, your willingness to share, and for your words.

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  8. I just found you. I found you on The mind of a bipolar guy's page on Facebook. I read your blog. Outstanding job. I must learn to harness this power. I just got out of the hospital. My new doc was playing around with my meds, weaning me off lithium and putting me on Limictal. I started swinging so bad I ended up in the hospital. I also take Klonipin. Xanax is better but too habit forming and most doctors in VA, Al and NC wont perscribe it. Klonipin works just fine if taken as presribed. Looking forward to future post My name is Cindy, I am S/W/F/47/NC

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  9. I love your blog! I'm 40 and have dealt with depression my whole life. There is depression on both sides of my family, my paternal grandmother was what we would today call bi-polar and her manic episodes were almost schizophrenic, yet it was never talked about. I found out in my late teens early 20's that my Aunt had herself tested for schizophrenia because of it being genetic. I am so happy that there are people out there talking about their Mental Illness, it helps to know someone else feels/thinks like you do. To know that you aren't alone and that it will pass is sometimes the best medicine. Your blog and some others like yours helped me recently get through a recent bout of the worst episode of depression I've ever had. I wasn't "sad", I just didn't care. It helped to read that other people know what I meant by that and that it can be "normal" for people like us to be that way. Ok, I'm done rambling, sorry, small burst of the talkative. The most important thing I wanted to say was just that simple "Thank-You".

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  10. I also am bipolar and deal with depression so I can relate alot of what you are saying. Currently I am not any meds (anymore) with doctors consent and such because me and my husband are trying to have a baby. After 3 years of having meds to help control my ups and downs this last year has been pretty rough on me and my husband. Its .. refreshing i suppose is the word to read your blog and know that I am not alone.

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  11. I can't adequately express how vindicated I feel now that I finally got to check your blog and read this! Kudos to you for dealing with dealing your bipolarness! And yes, hahaha! - you read that right.

    Wonderfully written! I know of your moments of soaring genius, your trials, your regets, and your plummets to places lower than low. Thanks for making me feel with intensity, I have been in a very numb place, and it's not really fun here. But it's a familiar neighborhood.

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  12. I love your blog and your facebook page. I have schizo-affective bipolar type, which basically means I'm between diagnoses. For a while I was bipolar one with psychotic symptoms.I also have a handful of other diagnoses, but whatever, I take my meds and stay in the middle. Yesterday was a bad anxiety day. so I took my klonopin and ended up on the couch asleep at 6:30. But anyway, Thanks for sharing and normalizing things for me, for us.

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  13. Perfect. I sent your blog to so many of my loved ones that often ask, "What does it feel like?" (They have known better than to ask while I'm manic, that's why they're still my friends) So many people that are bipolar are also absolutely genius, so it's not that far of a stretch. We ARE smart. We ARE funny. But bionic we are not, no matter how we feel ~ :) So - great blog. I feel blessed to have read it, and shared it with others who wonder. You're the bestest.

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  14. Thank you for sharing that. I can't imagine. I've only felt the lows of depression and it's easy to want to stop that noise.

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  15. You have described the depression perfectly--"I don't want to die. I just want not to be here." I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I'm so glad you could put that feeling into words. Thanks for that.

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  16. I can completely relate to this post!

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  17. This was perfect timing for me as I'm going through a tough bought of depression now and have dealt with it since I was a teenager. Your description of just "not wanting to be here anymore" is exactly how I feel. The only suicidal feelings I have are wishing I could make myself and everything else just go away. I do know this feeling will pass too - it's simply just hard to go through. Thank you for sharing your experience and all the other comments. Helps a little.

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  18. What do ya do when you can't get out of that "in-between" stage? You're not happy, you're not sad. Kinda feels like boredom only you don't want to go anywhere...

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  19. It's been said above. Exactly how it is. I'm so relieved I'm not alone being a pompous ass. But wow, was it amazing! TY, K. <3

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  20. Angela, for me it took life changes and drug changes.

    The past two years I was a robot. I was miserable. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to cease to exist as I have heard other people say. I am hyper active and for two years, I laid on the couch, worked, slept and my mind was completely quiet for the first time in my life. I felt nothing ever. Then I lost my job (again) and I got manic. I always get manic when bad things happen. I started my own cleaning company and I guess I am still manic because I feel happy. I smile, I fix my hair and my make up. I feel good about what I look like. When I feel happy or at the very least don't feel sad, I try to figure out what is different? Well, right now, I have no personal relationships with anyone. I work, and I shop. Im redecorating my house and that is pretty much all I have in my life. For me its strange. I have always been an extremely social person. But the older I get the voice in my head that tells me I don't belong is louder than my desire to be social. I call this terminal aloneness. I am in a room, surrounded by people who love me, and that voice in my head drowns everything else out. So for me, I guess the key to happiness is work and shop, at least till I go broke, LOL.

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