Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Editing My Yelling

I love a good email fight.  I think I'm much better at them than regular yelling because I have time to edit.  You can't really edit yelling.  Kind of defeats the purpose.  Anyway, it's rude to post someone else's email so I won't post the one my gee-I-really-regret-it-but-I-think-I-have-to-accept-it-about-to-be-ex wrote.   I'll just post my response to it.   And I should put "Kablammo" at the end but I think it'll ruin it from a stylistic standpoint so if you would all just mentally add "Kablammo" after you're finished reading it, that'd be swell.  


Dear Mr. K.,

I remember that time you're describing a bit differently.  I remember it as the time when Troubled was living in the back of a car in the rain because that's what she chose.  When the police were taking statements because of choices she made and you did nothing to discourage.   When I was not proclaiming your cowardice to the world, but lamenting an intolerable situation to two of my only friends.  When poppyseed tea was flowing because children who were trying to act like adults and failing miserably were making horrible mistakes.

Maybe you broke because you were starting to get a glimmer of how I have felt for the last six months and the six before that and before that and before that.  Helpless and frustrated and diminished.  Everything I had predicted and protested -- watching it all happen exactly as I had feared and worse.

Maybe you broke because you were starting to realize how your inaction and indulgence had led you to this point.  Your refusal to work with me, to set a plan and stick to it, to set limits for your child, to encourage her to learn from her mistakes instead of swooping in to rescue her.  Maybe you were starting to see how truly damaging that turned out to be.

And I fervently hope that maybe, just maybe, you were starting to see how your drinking and denial were catching up with you, and that nothing could really be made right until you dealt with that.

Because if any of that were true, then maybe, just maybe, there might be something worth salvaging in this marriage.  But I suspect that you are nowhere near ready to acknowledge the truth in anything I've just described. In which case, as you say, it's maddening and pointless to continue.

I don't need a few days to reflect.  I've been doing my reflecting.  I've been searching my soul for ways to forgive you but I always come back to the anger and the betrayal and the drinking and the denial.  I stayed with you in what I feel were truly dark times, through two hospitalizations for a disease that is clearly alcohol-related, when it was so apparent that you needed help, that you had to quit drinking and yet you could not. You admitted as much in the same breath as you denied that the doctor had told you that you should. 

If there is anything in this marriage worth salvaging, it's going to have to start with that.  I guess that's something for you to reflect on.  Let me know what you decide.


  1. I know the pain of loving an alcoholic. If I were there, I would hug you hard. This is why I pray for people I've never met. I will keep you and your children in prayer and continue to send positive healing energy your way.

  2. Very well said - wish i was calm enough to express myself to mine in such a clear way -- alcohol is a bitch!

  3. So very well edited! I (and so many others) are proud of this incredibly brave and obviously under-appreciated woman we now feel as though we know a little better, that we can relate to now as a human being, who has a refreshing prudence and an inability to keep doing what you've always done & getting what you've always gotten. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself today, even when it sucks and is scary. You're doing a really good job with the cards you find yourself holding today... in case no one has told you that today.

  4. Kablammo!
    You not only knocked it out of the park that's into next week!!

  5. I could have written this to my ex. Nicely put!

  6. KABLAMMO! Out of the motherfucking PARK baby!

    love and light~ you are much stronger than you know,

  7. Well said. I'm a nurse who works at an inpatient drug and alcohol rehab facility. I'm also Irish and come from a loooong line of some of the finest alcoholics in the world. I've seen the effects from childhood to present, and it's never pretty. I applaud you for taking a stand. Where you are is a tough place to be. But you're handling it with grace and dignity. I also know that what you share with us is a small portion and we don't see beyond our screens. But I know what's there and for that you are in my prayers. Stay strong my friend!

  8. <3 I also could have written a similar letter to my ex. So many people feel that bailing out children and allowing them more excuses is helping them. It doesn't help them. They can't grow into responsible adults if they can't accept blame, criticism and learn from their mistakes. Hang on Klonnie and <3 to you.

  9. Kablammy. That means that even though it was via email, you sounded great AND looked cute.

  10. I love you. I really do. You are so eloquent and BRAVE! Sometimes our hearts need time to come around to what our brains have known for YEARS. I'm sorry he wont wake up for you. I'm so sorry. ♥