Thursday, April 25, 2013

What Should Be a Duel Has Become a Soliliquy

You guys.  I have an appointment with a Family Law attorney tomorrow.  "Family Law" is a euphemism for "Divorce."  I don't want to be divorced, although being separated doesn't suck nearly as much as I thought it would.  Which is to say, "not at all."  And because Mr. K. doesn't appear to want to respond to my tour de force emails about our issues, I'm going to keep posting them, because goddamnit, they are good, heartfelt pieces of expository writing, and I need an "atta girl" right now like you would not even believe.  I think a "<drops mic>" at the end wouldn't be excessive.  But it's your call.

****************************************************************************************Dear Mr. K., 

I have some thoughts in response to your most recent email. 
As I have said before, your denial is a work of art.  

Regarding Troubled's "good, safe place:"  How are you satisfied?   Have you seen it yet?  What is the address?  As for the time off work, I thought that the very reason that you couldn't follow through on the agreement we made was because you *couldn't* take the time off work.  Once again, you were unable to say no, to insist that she wait, to set the limit and stick to it.  Once again you cast aside my wishes -- that you had agreed to -- rather than stand firm as you acknowledged was necessary to teach her the life skills she so desperately needs. You call me "suspicious and mistrustful" as though it were a character flaw, rather than a legitimate and understandable response to a questionable set of circumstances.  I'm surprised by your suggestion that I visit her in her new place so I could see for myself when you told me yourself that visitors weren't allowed,  This is one of the basic reasons that the whole story is so unbelievable.  But I will try to satisfy my curiosity if you give me her correct address.  

Regarding the car:  It is clear to me that you are not getting my emails, or not reading them, or not comprehending them. Other than to pay off the loan that the bank called due once they discovered it had been impounded, I will have nothing further to do with that car.  It is not registered to me, nor am I on the title.  Surrendering the car to an impound lot is a direct result of you ignoring my request that Juvie not be allowed to drive it.  As such, the entire matter is between you, Troubled, and Juvie, and I will take no part in its resolution. 

I find it incredibly ironic that you suggest I "be a parent" to my daughter, given your refusal to play that role at any point in these proceedings.    When Juvie was spending the night at our house without permission, and I wanted you to back me up and say "no" together, you did not.  When Troubled was failing classes and going to work high, and I wanted you to back me up and say "no" together, you did not.  When Juvie was driving our car, and I wanted you to back me up and say "no" together, you did not.  When Juvie was dealing drugs out of our house, and I wanted you to back me up and so "no" together, you did not.  When you refused to work with me to take control of the situation, you failed as a parent.  You failed as a husband.

As far as finances go, you need to understand that it's not just "your paycheck" and I am not "in charge of it." When we agreed years ago how vital it was to have a parent at home rather than to have strangers raise our children at daycare, you understood how that decision would affect our finances.  You would earn the income that we would need to create and sustain a home for our family.   If that arrangement was unacceptable to you, you should have made that known, and offered one of your own.

You want to create separate bank accounts but what you don't understand is there is no extra money to divide, nor any to keep from one another.  All of our income goes toward our house, our children and their needs.  It's almost painfully ironic that you want to separate the assets now, given the spending you have done on unnecessary things like bail, warrants, and cash deposits on phantom living quarters. As far as "big ticket" items go, I'm not sure what you mean.  As I told you before, the big ticket items this month were property taxes and PreMed's tuition, in addition to the mortgage, which is a big ticket item every month.  Believe me when I say that beyond that, there is nothing left to spend, and nothing to spend it on. 

The "olive branch" you claim to have extended is merely a refusal to examine the events of the last several months. If I reject it, there must be something wrong with me.  It is easier to assign me character flaws than to do the difficult work of exploring your own issues.  How you can possibly expect us to "let bygones be bygones" is ludicrous.   When you decide to take a look at how your drinking and denial have brought our family to the brink, maybe we can begin to take some small steps towards healing for all of us.   Even though it seems unlikely,  I look forward to that day with hope.  


  1. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Been there, done that. It wasn't pretty. I turned into a psycho bitch, standing in the middle of our beautiful street, in front of our beautiful dream house (and neighbors, hahaha), screaming obscenities. You seem to be handling it much better. Atta girl! You are funny, strong, amazing. You enrich my life. I wish you well.

    1. Grrl, check it out. I called the cops on Juvie for sleeping in his broken-down Cadillac in the cul-de-sac. Coming soon to a country song near you.

  2. During my THREE YEAR separation and FINALLY a divorce with my "X", Rockstar, I posted the text messages...No doubt an interesting read now that I look back. ATTA GURL KLONNIE...You can do this. You are going to be SO MUCH BETTER.

  3. Atta girl. You are more eloquent than I was.

  4. x's 1000000000000000

    I'm glad you are standing up for yourself. There are way to many people out there who won't. Good for you.

    Another 1000000000000000000

  5. drops mic. whoa. is he really that delusional and disconnected?!

  6. You continue to stay strong, stand up tall and beautiful!

  7. Onward and upward! Better things await than any you leave behind. For all of us who have been there, I applaud your ability to keep your eloquent and sassy sense of humor intact.

  8. Aw Klonnie, I didn't have near the struggles you are having with your delusional spouse when I went through my divorce, but my ex was pretty damn delusional. It amazes me how boldly people lie when the truth is easily uncovered. My ex cheated on me, and wrote me a lovely note about how we could be friends after our divorce knowing that the romance just didn't work out. I was like WTF? Seriously. We had no kids together. We had nothing holding us together once the legalities were taken care of. He really thought I would want to have him as a friend when he was an asshole and a liar? Damn. I'm not that desperate! Keep up standing up for yourself. Do what you need to to take care of you. It's time he grows up.

  9. Sorry, I am a little late, as I just found your blog. I am in love with the last paragraph of the email you wrote. My husband and I have issues with his family, who are a group of alcoholics that don't like to face their problems, they just like to get drunk and yell at each other. We had stopped coming around for a while, mostly for the sake of our kids and when his sister asked us to get together to "discuss our issues" what really ended up happening was she said she was willing to put everything in the past and move on. Then when I proceeded to rationally discuss our issues, the family decided to stop speaking to us altogether. Sadly, they will just never "get it" and it sounds like your ex husband won't either.