Saturday, February 23, 2013

NNITO

Irony.  Being so grateful for a bed in a room with a door to close that I'm up half the night writing about it.  Living out of a suitcase teaches you a lot about gratitude.  Grateful that I even have clothes to worry about.  Pushing aside the hangers in someone else's closet.  Carving out a little space for me.  I have a friend who says it all the time.   "So. Damn. Grateful."
She's leaving home, bye bye

Details.  Trying to manage all the details.  Remember to pick up some razors, don't leave the laptop charger this time.   Focusing on meaningless details to keep the real issues out of sight.  She left her husband.  She left her husband.  She tries the phrase on, looks at it with a critical eye, puts it back on the rack.  She left her husband, yes, she did, but what she really did is say a resounding "no more" to her husband and her daughter and the chaos and the condescension and the manipulation and the denial.   

Soon I will write about the events that preceded my departure.  I rarely get the chance to write at the moment.  It's tax season, which means I am working 15 hour days, 6 days a week.   I have time to play on Facebook, seconds at a time. but the chunks of time it takes to really work out what I like to think are well-written pieces just don't come easily lately.  And when they do, they are devoted to doing laundry and repacking my suitcase, connecting with friends and getting validation, running with my dog (sneaking back in the house to spring him, first thing on Sunday mornings, when it's unlikely that the slackers who have invaded my home will be awake to catch me), "dating" my son and sharing small hard-won blocks of his undivided attention.  NNITO, which if you GTS ("Google that shit,") or LMGTFY (Let me Google that for you)], you will find is an acronym for "not necessarily in that order."
Make me one with everything

Once I stopped in an espresso bar that starts with "S" and rhymes with "Starbucks," and after she had prepared my halfcafgrandesoyvanillalatte, the barista handed it over and said "All the decisions we've made in our lives have led us to this moment."   And only the fear of getting burned by steamed soy milk kept me from dropping that motherfucker and falling over from that psychic bolt from the blue.  

More soon, I hope.  If it makes a difference.  You have told me it does.  And sometimes I believe you.  Namaste, Nutjobs.  LYLAS.   And shit.









13 comments:

  1. making your mind up to leave, and doing it, are pretty much the hardest parts. the rest is just details. breathe, get through the process of looking for a place etc, but you've removed yourself from a crap situation.

    you'll get there, and do better for it.

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  2. ok, soooo yeah... what prompted the barista to say that FFS ;)? too cool and awesome and a little goose-pimply odd but still very cool. this is the first blog of yours that i've had the pleasure of reading and just want to say, thank you. insightful, warm with a little cold-crazy thrown in to keep my attention... you're my kind of ppl... or i'm your kind of ppl.. hmm, which came first? sorry, too long of a comment, bye. lol

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  3. SOMETIMES what we have to do to regain and maintain our mental and physical health sucks ass

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  4. I've only been an acolyte for a couple of days but you already make a difference to this Nutjob. Shared "Keep calm and carry Klon" with my psychiatrist yesterday to give both of us a much-needed laugh. Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom.

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  5. Lots of love to you, Klonnie. Leaving is scary. I admire your courage to finally say enough is enough. I sometimes wish for that same courage. xoxo

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  6. "All the decisions we've made in our lives have led us to this moment."

    Oh my fucking God in which I guess I don't believe on account of this Agnosticism. If I had a dollar for every time I have said some variation of this I would be so rich that I would have paid someone to read this to me while I lounge around on my yacht eating breakfast sushi or some shit.

    I am all teared up, fucking Klonnie. First of all, I've said it before, I hope I write like you when I grow up. Second of all, you're amazeballs. Third of all, that thing at the 'bucks was beyond baristastic. Jesus. I'm so proud of you. Thank you for sharing and for touching us and reminding us to be so. Damn. Grateful. Fucking perimenopausal fucking hormonal fueled tears. At least I'm not at work. xo

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  7. So. Damn. Grateful. For you. Thanks Klonnie. You speak my language... you have no idea FFS.

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  8. i tried to enter a comment the other day, safari was being its usual bastard self. klonnie - im on my own downward spiral but what i can say to you is YOU GO GIRL. im proud of you. now go out and kick some of lifes ass and date your son (i loved that lol). some times it takes a huge step to make the little ones...

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  9. So thankful you share your life with us, your writing...i love it...(loved the fortune myself ✌) XO

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  10. My husband is divorcing me due to my BPD which happily brings along major depression, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder with it. I am having a REALLy hard time dealing with this. I also just recently moved to Maryland and got a shit job...I can do so much better when my BPD is taking over my life. My hubby actually told me he's fallen out of love with me, so I'm just guessing it's the BPD. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for posting/blogging. It helps to know I'm not the only one who wants to curl up in bed all day and not deal with the world, but still have to.

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