Sunday, December 2, 2012

Shit's Gettin' Real. Yo.

I walked out on my husband today. 

He's an alcoholic.  He's completely in denial.  As far as he's concerned, there is nothing wrong with him or our family. As far as he's concerned, any problems that I see are merely my own distorted perception.  This has been going on for years.  Decades.  He's a dysfunctional alcoholic who manipulates my children against me.

We bring the lights up on a bedroom with at least four piles of puppy shit on the floor.  The horrified mother has begun to clean it all up.  The rest of the family is absorbed in other things.  The mother begins a tirade that includes a torrent of f-bombs.   The woman's young adult daughter gets up and comes wandering into the scene.  

Daughter:  What are you so angry about?  Calm down.  Jesus.

Mother:  <insert swears as you see fit>  It was irresponsible to get a puppy when you work and go to school all day.  It was disrespectful not to get my permission first.  You don't care for the puppy, you don't supervise her, she is not being housetrained.  I am happy to take on that role and care for the puppy.  But if I do, she becomes my puppy and I will take over her care and training.  <turns to husband>  Is there NOTHING you care to offer by way of support in all this?  <the way she says it implies that this is a conflict she has been struggling with for a long time>   

Father:  <silence>

Daughter:   God, mom, I just got up. Can you wait until I have some coffee before you begin screaming at me?

Father:  <stage whisper>  I know. I got a raft of it yesterday morning. 
The two share an exaggerated eyeroll

<scene>

So I left. Quietly and under the pretense of going to the gym. I did go to the gym, but then I went to my friend's house and talked and cried all day and got my resolve together.

Then I came back.  I came back to take care of my son.  I came back because this is my home.  I came back because I live here. The rest of them can go fuck themselves. I will come here after work for a bit to check in with my son, make sure he's done his homework, make sure he has clean clothes and something for lunch the next day.  I will sign the permission slips and make sure the band uniform is complete for concert night.   If he wants to and can be ready in time, I can drop him off at school on my way to work. I am figuring out where I will sleep. Maybe here. Maybe somewhere else on nights when I feel especially angry and need to detach.

When I got back, I told my son that if the puppy shits in his room, he is sadly going to have to handle it himself. If he doesn't like that, he needs to talk to his sister about it, and make her do it. Essentially he should keep the door to his room shut. He is on board.

I ignored my husband.  Last night we had a long talk about how his drinking is going to kill him.  A couple of weeks ago, he was hospitalized for the second time with acute pancreatitis, in his case, a disease directly related to alcohol abuse.  His doctor told him that he had to stop drinking.  Anything.  Ever.  During the course of our conversation, however, he let me know that that's not what the doctor had said at all.  And that he will drink a little every once in a while because he can do what he wants and it won't be a problem.  Which means that he will drink four or five shots of whiskey as he has done EVERY NIGHT FOR THIRTY-FIVE YEARS and it will make him deathly ill and it will be a huge problem.

Okay, I said.  If it won't be a problem, then I won't have to worry about you washing down some Ambien with your drink and I won't have to listen for you stumbling around the house and embarrassing everyone and falling down in the bathroom so hard that you BREAK THE TOILET TANK.  And I won't have to take your sorry ass to Urgent Care when you get so sick that you are doubled over and cannot drive. I am glad to know that it won't be a problem because doing those things was getting really exhausting.  

Tomorrow I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting. (Well, not really my first.  My first as a spouse.  The other meetings I went to were as a daughter.)  Then I am calling an attorney.

My dysfunctional alcoholic husband is manipulating my children against me and destroying himself and our home and I will not allow myself to be sucked into this madness.  

Namaste, Nutjobs.  Let's do this thing.

64 comments:

  1. <3 We love you and are here for you

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  2. Good for you. I wish you strength, and in those times where you doubt your resolve or think you're not tough enough or worry that you've somehow said or done something wrong, remember that there are almost 25,000 of us out here cheering you on. You can do this.

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  3. Oh wow honey, I'm not sure what to say. You are strong, and you're going to need to remember that. I hope he gets the wakeup call he so clearly needs. (((hugs)))

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  4. I also just did the same thing, different reasons, same path. The bright side? Now you won't have to deal with The Stupid Blanket That You Hate.

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  5. i'm sorry you have to go through this, but it's the only way to get through it. and you will. you can. you are capable.

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  6. You've been thru this with family before. You know denial is a HUGE thing
    Of course he's "fine" in his eyes. Can you 302 him? Involuntary hospitalization. Is there a detox facility to 302 him to? He may be pissed but its better than dead
    You gotta look out for you and your son. I work with detoxing patients and I know how horrible it can be. Detoxing is dangerous in itself
    But again, better than dead. Sounds like he's on the perfect path of institutionalized, jail, or dead. Damn girl I am soooo sorry you're goin thru this
    Big giant sober hugs to you!!!

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  7. Sometimes you've got to muddle through what whoever wants to throw at you, and do what's best for you. Your daughter will come around eventually. She probably already knows what the problem is, but maybe she is under the impression that it doesn't bother you bcause you've dealt with it so long. Having been there before (sans children of that age) I do recommend moving out as much as possible because the more you and your husband are in the same house, he will think you aren't serious about a divorce. I am hoping everything works out as it's best for YOU. Others will come around.

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  8. Yes, let's do this. You have us Nutjobs to get you through this.

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  9. It's not a puppy at my house. It is a new cat whenever my adult daughter moves out and comes home. Keep writing. It may keep you sane. And me too!

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  10. done and done. kicked him out in may this year. you can do this. you SHOULD do this.

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  11. I had no idea. I wish I could give you a big hug. It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing. It's time to take care of you. I'm glad you're going to Al-Anon. Those meetings saved what little sanity I had left before I kicked my ex out.

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  12. I am so sorry to hear this. I have bi-polar as well and have been diagnosed for about 23yrs. That in itself is bad enough. Like you I had a bastard of a husband that always came out looking like the nice guy and I looked like the crazy wild woman AKA mom. My ex split me and my children apart and when I left he tried everything to get me to kill myself so that he could prove to everyone that he was the poor misunderstood victim, that had to live with a lunatic. Did not matter that he was out with someone else every chance he could get. All I was good for was my money. I worked in a psychiatric hospital as a nurse and also worked for him at his business. Long story short. I left him 5 yrs ago. Both my children are back in my life, I have two wonderful grandbabies and I just recently quit my job and am now doing what I love. I am also newly married to the most amazing man in the world. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and I will be sending out positive thoughts and energy to you. Stay strong!

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  13. I left my delusional, non functioning, manipulative, abusive ex husband a little over 5 years ago. It was scary and hard but HOLY HELL I am a much happier, much better person and parent for it. I don't know where me or my son would be had we stayed. He ended up kicked out of the Air Force and stuck in a mental institution. We have never heard from him since and I am okay with that. It's a tough road and a lot to absorb but you will make it through and you will do awesome things! Good Luck <3

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  14. You are AMAZING and STRONG. I wish I had half the assertiveness you do. Keep on keepin' on and namaste, TKC.

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  15. Take care of YOU.... the rest will fall into place. Namaste~

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  16. Wow. I am wishing you all the strength you need to get through this. I'm sure that first step was a huge one.
    All the best wishes that everything works out for you. You are doing the right, most courageous thing. God bless you and your family that you all get through it.

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  17. Wow. You go girl!!! Always remember that you deserve respect.

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  18. I wish you luck and peace. I found your blog entirely by mistake and I love it.

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  19. I'm not actually too frightened for Klonnie's husband, or daughter or the dog. I think that to a certain degree, they let things literally go to shit BECAUSE she IS so competent. Hubbie knows that she's there to both save his ass & to scold him, & so forth. Once they start stepping in shit, they'll yell at each other or deal with it. Mom as the savior/bad guy is no longer part of the equation.

    Klonnie's deserves to be loved by compitent peers who take care of themselves & respect the household & each other & support one another through ADDITIONAL DIFFICULTIES not tolerating selfish manipulative behavior & pandering to each others idiosyncrasies. Hence, dysfunctional. The only one I'm concerned about is her son & she's got THAT covered.

    Go Klonnie Go!

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  20. You are not alone. I live this life.(Without a shitting puppy) Yesterday, after 13 years of dysfunction, I signed a lease on a house away from him. My son is down; my daughter is not..(it's not the right "neighborhood"). I did Al-Anon. Since I don't know you, I will wish you a better experience than I had. Commisseration-fest, that just pissed me off.

    Know that you have someone out here, wishing you well.

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  21. I have Miso soup and a blanket.
    Always at the ready.

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  22. I just began reading your blog and your Facebook. So I can't say I know how you feel and I can't really give advise. Nobody knows how we feel when we reach the point that we must get too, to make the really hard changes. I made one 8 years ago to leave a verbally abusive, FistSlammer through walls. We had 18 years together, 2 sons, the only positive. I was abused as a child, evil, wicked abuse, family denied, my ex denies. I'm the '"crazy" one, oh wait, my therapist tells me I'm the victim! You see though for my ex and my family to sleep nights while I don't, they find comfort knowing I must have done horrible things, since the crime must fit the punishment, they dole out, he sued for full custody, kept me from my sons, who are now turning old enough to see there the evil mom, but only if they haven't been so manipulated by their daddy, the one who whipped with leather belts and screamed til you become a pile of your former self. So I guess I'm saying, Do what has to be done. Take care of you. Sometimes it's all there is. Like on the airplane, put your mask on first, then you can help others. Kol tov..- means Be Well and wishing you Sholom.

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  23. Pardon me... but FUCK YEAH. YOU GO GIRL!!

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  24. Being in your husband's situation, and being out of it for a short while, I can now see a small bit of the exasperation and frustration my wife and children had to endure. It took me a heart attack and then some to get it through my thick skull. I wish you strength and clarity in your future.

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  25. I'm kind of scared to say shit up in this woman club we got going but I have a feminine side and ai could give a care less what people think as well. My only advice is. Do NOT allow attorneys to manipulate your finances and family for their personal financial gain. Other than that good fucking luck Ms. K. I would wish though life was better right now. I wish I could write like you, it would a journey into some good mind. Since I can't it's terrible you remember the saying right? Alright proceed

    PS...Hello Ladies, yes I am brave!

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  26. It's takes a lot of pain to reach this point-I did it two years ago. (No kids together, very short marriage) Scary? Yes. But so was watching someone kill themselves slowly, fall asleep in plates of food, and DENY. The stench of beer cans was enough. "I'll change." "You still drinking?" "Only a six pack a day..." I packed my things and left. Life tastes good. You can do this and do not let anyone - ever - make you feel guilty. Don't let this destroy you too. Be safe, just do it and get a good lawyer. The nutjobs will always be here!

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  27. I share Sandi0033's sentiments. Take care of You! Prayers for peace. I am thankfully not that wife but I was that daughter.

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  28. This is not your disorder talking. You are not being irrational. You are not being unreasonable. You are not being crazy. You ARE being strong by taking the steps you need to take in order to maintain your health and well-being. This is a VERY RATIONAL SANE REASONABLE step to take. Please don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Stay on the meds, prepare for the ride, talk to the psych to make sure you're dealing with the emotional roller coaster that is separation and divorce. Make sure there's someone close to you whom you trust to tell you when you've crossed a line (we don't always trust ourselves). If you can deal with an alcoholic-dog shit ignoring-manipulative-abusive asshole husband, you can do this. Except that THIS is the rational thing to do. I'm with you in spirit. Thank God for Klonopin.

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  29. Stay Strong, The one thing ive learned in Alonon is that you own your own behavior & the people around you own theirs( whether they know it or not is a different story)Good Luck & God Bless Ill be praying for you today & if you lived in the Catskills You would have a place to stay:)

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  30. I hear in your words a wonderful determination to defend your own life. The door has slammed and you sound as if you have reached the point of no return. I call it this because, for me, it was the point where I no longer questioned going back into the mess that had been my life. Stay strong. Just making those decisions should be a load lifted off your shoulders.

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  31. You are doing the right thing by standing up for yourself...stay strong

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  32. I feel bad for your children, I think the best thing for them and your relationship with them is to go through with your plans and leave this a-hole. They'll see clearly when you move on with your life and his crumbles when there is no one there to clean up his mess....Good luck and God speed.

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  33. Congrats on taking the first step..making a decision. Hard but necessary..setting boundaries and doing what's best isn't a cake walk for sure, but they are vital if you are to make the changes you need to. Sending lots of positive mojo your way..

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  34. From what I have read in all of your blogs you are a very strong person who has weathered many things in her life. You can do this. You also have a great support system of friends and your writing to vent.

    I will be keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive energies to you.

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  35. Woot. You are doing the right thing and you, as the daughter of an alcoholic, fell right into this role. Your daughter is at risk to be right where you are and the best thing you can do for her us what you are doing, break the pattern. Best of luck to you. He may not change, but you can change your life, so get you a cup of warm tomorrow baby.

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  36. you got my support. i just heard about you on fb from "so much for mother of the year" but we're in the same leaky fucking boat.

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  37. Strength and Hope to you for a new day filled with the promise of making hard changes to result in good things.....

    Joy

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  38. Someday your daughter is going to look back on this and realize how brave her mother was. xo

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  39. Klonnie, I had no idea things were this bad, but I sensed when he was last hospitalized that you were just about done with hubby and his routine. This is the hardest thing you will ever do--I know, because I have done it and am going to have to do it again. It irritates me that I have to go through starting over again a second time. I left with only clothes and books, and only what I could fit in my car (I took that too-it was mine, but surprisingly some people didn't think so!) It seems as though in mothering our children, we somehow seem to become responsible for mothering everyone, even our husbands. I am wishing you strength and you will need it. But you will be able to do it. You are going to be able to do it. If you are in my area, please never hesitate to call on me for support--while I can't put you up, I can help in other ways, and if that means giving you a place to stay, I am sure I know several people who would be honored to help. We will help you, and you will do what you need to. I know we often isolate ourselves when things in our life go wrong. Always the mom, covering up the bad, glossing over it so we don't look lame, because really, we are the ones responsible, right? It's what we all do Klonnie, so do not feel like your problem is something to be ashamed of or to cover up. Stay strong, ask for help, try to stay away from him as much as possible-let him know that the jig is up, and that you don't care who he tells what, because you know the truth and so do they! Just hang tough, and yes, go to a meeting. Go to a lot of meetings, and that will give you strength too. And don't be afraid to ask for help, cause it is out there. Hugs Klonnie--big giant hugs!

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  40. You're doing the right thing, the brave thing, the only thing. Kids are easily influenced they'll see the truth soon. Take care of yourself and remember you know what the truth is. I've been in a similar situation and I really started to question if he was right or I was. I hope your husband gets a wake up call and I hope this is it, sadly alcoholics often need more than losing their family. Much love to you from a fellow nutjob

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  42. Smart getting your butt to an Al-Anon meeting. That was exactly what I was going to suggest! I've been going for almost 3 years now, dealing with the aftermath of my current marriage implosion due to substance abuse and also with the issues I never dealt with when I left my first husband who was a crack addict. It has really changed my life, I would be insane without it. If you need to talk anytime, email me at karenappy@gmail.com and I'm happy to listen.

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  43. Coming from the perspective of alcoholic who grew up with an alcoholic, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I don't think you even need these words, but since I know what I speak of, no one makes an addicted person come around but themselves. They have to be brutally and painfully honest or die from the consequences and for you to stick around and watch this slow and painful death is cruel punishment for yourself. I hope your son can be spared witnessing any more of your husband's demise.

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    1. Well put Brooks. I am blessed to have escaped the insanity four years ago. I attempted while married but it was for other people and not myself so everyone was miserable. Hang in there TKC and keep doing the next right thing for you and your son!

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  44. I hope you find your way down whatever road you choose. It is so hard to watch someone you once loved destroy himself and every thing he touches. Don't let him drag you to hell. Save yourself and your son <3

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  45. You are a strong woman, and you can survive this. I am still with my alcoholic, haven't got that strength yet. Thanks for giving me someone to look up to. We are ALL here for you!!! Namaste Beautiful Lady!!!

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  46. My soon to be ex husband is not an alcoholic but he is a recently diagnosed unstable bipolar "nutjob". I spent 12 years bearing the brunt of his verbal, emotional, and occasional physical abuse. The children have all had their fair share as well. He hasn't held a "real" job in over 5 years. I have 3 children. Two of whom are also bipolar. A 12 year old girl and a 7 year old boy. My 7 year old daughter (a twin) also has some sort of undiagnosed mental illness. Likely PTSD from being born into complete chaos. And chaos is a euphemism for what this house has been like. When I decided to kick him out, I lost everything. I have been a stay at home mom since day one and with his unemployment, we have used up every dime. Neither of us have money for a lawyer so we are trying to cordially work out the details of a divorce. We have no equity in the house after the market crashed and that will likely be lost to foreclosure within a year. I have no clue how I am going to work full time (or even find a job after 13 years) and care for 3 mentally ill children. I am 43 years old and starting from scratch. Down to the clothes on our backs. I understand completely where you are coming from. You are so lucky to be in a position that you can support yourself and start a new future! Good for you for making the move to walk away!

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  47. One step at a time Chicka, one step at a time...

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  48. You are an amazingly strong woman and you share your strength through your beautifully articulated blogs. Thank you!

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  49. Love and light coming your way. Namaste <3

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  50. Everyone else has pretty much said it. My thoughts are with you. Whatever path you choose you have LOADS of support. We've got your back!

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  51. Been there....After building a (nice) life with my ex for 10 years he decided to go back to sticking a needle in his arm. After two and a half years of the worst hell I've ever gone through, trying in every way, shape and form to give him all the help and support I could, after trying to shield our kids from the worst of it - and not always succeeding - after losing all the money we had saved and most of our possessions being sold, one morning I just hit that wall - and I was out before the day ended. It was far from over - not a pretty scene, but definitely the best for me and my children in the end. Trying to live with that type of behavior changes a person, at least it did me. And I thank God I got out while I could, with what I could, and that I had friends and family who got me through every painful step. Today I can smile again. It's never easy having to let go of something that you've worked so long towards and realizing it is not going to be. But if you can visualize that goal of where you want to be in the future, and keep your heart and mind set on that, you will get there....I wish you all the best

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  52. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I totally missed this, Klonnie, Jesus H. Honey, big motherfucking hugs to you, ginormous ones. You are amazing. I am so proud of you for taking care of yourself. I can't wait until you look back on this and are like remember when my life was a bunch of fucking bullshit and now look, like, not so much? Because that's what it was like for me after I left my nutjob alcoholic husband. More cyberhugs for you, dear one.

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  53. Nothing but (some) understanding and much support from the Misfit.

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  54. Al-Anon will help..a lot! You need to make sure you're okay..at all times. It's sort of like the instructions when flying..if the mask drops, put it on yourself first and then help the person next to you put their on. You can't help anyone unless you've helped yourself first.
    Being with an addict is incredibly difficult. He's nowhere near admitting he has an addiction..and not until he does will there ever be hope for your marriage. Stay strong..do this for you..then you can help your kids when they finally see their father for who he really is.

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  55. I know this will sound like a vitamin or tampon commercial or something, but life starts now, kid. Congratulations for finding the strength and self-respect. You are an inspiring and kick ass person. For as much as it can help, you have the support and strangth of thousands of people behind you. We look forward to every word you write. xoxo

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  56. I have a father who is a raging, never-will-admit-it, dick alcoholic of a father, and a grandfather who had acute pancreatitis last year. Alcohol fucks people up, and I'm sorry to see it affecting your life so badly. As everyone has said, you deserve respect, as everyone does, and kudos to you for realizing this. Tonight I'm in one of those moods where I'm addicted to reading your blogs. You're just great, in case you don't know. Namaste, friend.

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  57. Have you read Claudia Black's "It Will Never Happen To Me"?

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