Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I Am Invisible. I Am Inaudible.

I did not want this boy to stay here and I said so.   I said it in a whisper.  I said it in a scream.  I said it in a calm voice. I said it in a trembling voice.  I wrote it.  I sang it.  I texted it.  I posted it.  I tweeted it.   I did not want this boy to stay here and I said so.

And yet.  He stays. Today he got a package addressed to him.  Here.  This is now his address.  This boy that I said I did not want to stay here.   Now gets mail here.  I did not want this boy to stay here and I said so.

And yet.  He stays. Today I was taking out the recycling and found a cut-down box that once held a mini-fridge.   I can't even bring myself to look because I know the mini-fridge is in my daughter's room. This boy that I said I did not want to stay here.  Now shares a mini-fridge with my daughter in her room.  I did not want this boy to stay here and I said so.

And yet.  He stays.  I am not comfortable with him here, I said.  It is not good idea for our daughter and her boyfriend to live together in our house, I said.   I have the right to say who gets to live here and who does not, I said.  But I was overruled by nothing.  By the nothing that was said when I said what I said.

I said I did not want this boy to stay here.  And he said nothing.  I said if this boy were to stay here, he would have to sleep on the couch.  And he said nothing.  I said I didn't want this boy to smoke pot here.  And he said nothing.  I said I didn't want this boy to drive our car.  And he said nothing.  I ranted and raved and shook my fists.  I ranted and raved and stomped my feet.   

And he said nothing.

I am invisible, inaudible.  My rage makes me shrink to nothing to fit inside the nothing that he says.  

"I am not listening to you because you are yelling.  I do not respect you because you cannot contain your anger."  That is something that he says.

"I am yelling because you are not listening to me.  I cannot contain my anger because you do not respect me."  That is something that I say.

There is a boy living in my daughter's room with her in my house and I said I did not want him to and no one is saying anything and no one is listening to me and no one respects me. 

I do an invisible dance with my fists and my stomping feet.   I sing an inaudible song with my whisper voice, my scream voice, my calm voice, my trembling voice.  I did not want this boy to stay here and I said so.  And yet.  He stays.

29 comments:

  1. I am invisible as well. Even when I am heard, even when people do listen to me, I still feel invisible. I hate that I hate my life, because I love it...or at least I should.
    Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not alone once again.

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  2. Sheesh on top of fighting with the man, this? I understand why you want to leave, might not be a bad idea...since obviously nobody else is going anywhere! Good luck!

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  3. Ughhh. My heart sister. You have it. I wish I could do something. I read. I cry. I only want the best for you. Hang tough. Big hugs. Cyn
    A.D.D. Music Mamma

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  4. *hugs* I hear you. *hands you some vodka*

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  5. Oh....if I could rush over I would just to hug you right now. xoxo

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  6. I love your blogs. They make me peaceful:)

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    1. Thank you! That is a wonderful thing to say. I'm so glad you like them.

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  7. It's a hard thing to try to live where you're not respected and your opinion is never heard. I'm so sorry you're in this spot!

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  8. I've lived your frustration. Twice over with both my daughters. One stayed for a year. The other for almost 3. I swayed between rage & impotence the whole time. Finally, we grew up. Me. Them. I stayed. The guys moved on. If I had any advice to offer, it would simply be: make home an uncomfortable & unbearable place to be at every opportunity. At least equal to what you feel, but ultimately more so for them. Do it without being unfair or unreasonable & you will be able someday to reclaim your home and your self respect. I'm sending you positive vibes and serene wishes in hopes you come out of this with everything you love intact. Good luck good lady.

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  9. I can relate but as a teen with a live-in BF and it was all bad news. I hope they hear and see you very soon <3

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  10. That would totally piss me the hell off!

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  11. I relate. I feel for you. I hear you, I see you. You are here and I respect you. I wish those in your house were the same. I'm sorry. :( ((hugs))
    ~Mom's World (aka Darla)

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  12. I read that as though it were written by an angry invisible Dr. Seuss. Hope that's okay. I'm petty. Like super petty. The minute the boy and girl left I would steal the mini fridge. I may even slice a hole in the mattress and slide in a block of cheese....or maybe some of the doggy do that the girl fails to clean up and then put the sheet back on. If you can't communicate by speech find an alternate langueage. Like I said though, I'm petty. Hugs (and please don't yell at me about my name again haha)

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  13. You, my dear friend, are a writer. A real writer. You are amazing. I hope you know that.

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  14. Even though this is a rough situation, your words bring comfort to me - the way you write and the way I can picture exactly what you're going through, and I appreciate that. Thoughts are with you, my blogging friend.

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  15. I am invisible. I am unseen & unheard. The silences drown out my tiny voice, even though I'm yelling. I have my own demons to wrestle & I am fighting with them so this bubble I'm in, that only echoes my own claims back to me, this bubble that keeps me from being seen & heard, this bubble...how do I get out of it?. There has to be a soft place to land, somewhere....right?

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  16. I read your blogs and follow your FB. I don't usually comment but this one struck me. Beautifully written! I wish you could hear you. That is the person that matters most. Don't deny yourself your own voice, listen to yourself. Because the person that isn't hearing you the most, is you. Don't forget to love you, because you are awesome and deserve it! *hugs*

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  17. For a crazy person, you sure are articulate...said the crazy person. ;-) You know that not being heard and being treated as though you were invisible can you make you feel crazy when you aren't...right? Right???

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  18. It amazes me how much feeling you put into your words. I feel them like I am living them and it is a beautiful thing. You write how I feel and I feel what you write...it's hard to explain, but you are amazing!

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  19. The boy should have your side of the bed. You get the fuck out. Take your own boy. and GO. Go to a place where your voice is heard. Where your voice is loud and clear. Where you can say, "I am good" and let it settle in your bones and make right what is wrong. Mutha.

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  20. A big hug to you and a throat punch to him... and the boy.

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  21. Being utterly dismissed is a hard feeling to deal with. Not mattering is painful. Your beautiful words wash over me like waves. Comforting waves lapping over the scars from the daggers that were plunged into me year after year of not mattering to my husband.

    I kicked him out. I started to heal. The open wounds scarred over. The waves of your words wash over me, comforting me, reassuring me that I made the right decision.

    I wish you peace and light. <3

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    Replies
    1. Between this blog post and your response, Tina, I am in awe. You women have such a magical way with words and are both so strong and amazing. I admire the shit out of both of you.

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  22. Hello and thank you for the kind words. For those of you with suggestions--thank you! But as always, I am working through every option and that includes the ones you suggest. Namaste and LYLAS and all that good chit, mon.

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  23. I read every post but never comment but please know that I hear you.
    I hear you because I too live unheard. Thank you for being strong enough to share so people know they are not alone feeling like this.

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  24. Seriously beautifully written.

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  25. My God...we are all more alike that I ever thought.
    Strength and love to you.
    ~Psychotic Break/LRM

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  26. Been there,UGH! Finally had to have his MOTHER come & GET him the first time. Then she,at 18 during the summer,went to him several hours away.Stayed a few weeks. HATED not knowing if she was ok,where exactly she was,etc.He visited with increasing frequency & (of course) wound up staying again,but I didn't push because I knew I was moving 1000 miles away to my fiance's & she was still on the fence whether to stay with him or follow.Success!! A few months before the move they parted ways & she moved with us,just finished cosmetology school,she's doing great. If I'd taken a hard line it might not have gone so well.

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