Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Where Have I Been? I'm Glad You Asked.

Hey you guys! You may or may not have noticed that I took my Facebook page down for a bit. People have been asking, so I need to let you know.  I’m okay.  I’ll probably bring it back up soon. I just lost my taste for it.  Yanno?  I felt like staying on top of it was sucking me dry.  You guys need a lot of attention, and I don’t always have it in me to give it to you.  You’re like houseplants or something.  I forget to water you and you wither and I feel guilty.  So instead I put you out on the patio and hope it rains and doesn’t get too cold.  And OMG some of you (trolls I know, but still) with the negativity, misunderstanding on purpose, people who seem to feel the First Amendment applies to whatever the fuck axe they have to grind on someone else’s stage.  But it’s all good.  A little break never hurt anyone.  


What can I tell you except I’m battling the same things you guys are, watching in horror as American political-socioeconomic system (for lack of a better term) twists and writhes like an effigy in the wind.  I really shouldn’t read the news and I DEFINITELY need to stop getting in comment wars on Facebook pages, that shit is for the birds.  Roche Pharmaceuticals stock goes up five points any day I scroll through my Facebook feed, see a controversial story and wonder what gems await me in the comments section.   What is the opposite of adrenaline because I need some of that after a good verbal jousting match with fellow members of the Screedwriters Guild.  That’s not a typo, that’s me being clever.  


What I’ve been thinking about lately, because I know you’re just aching to know (dripping sarcasm):  I’m doing the math on whether it’s worse to die alone and be sad and scared about that or to die alone and give zero fucks about it, unless you count panic attacks (which are sneaking up on me with increasing and alarming frequency) in the fucks-given tally.  This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.  Thanks, Tyler Durden, Thanks, Chuck Palahniuk.  One inexorable minute, the length of the pool, underwater with lungs bursting.   Swimming metaphors. Kill me now.


I’m crying a lot lately.  Mostly it’s just something that strikes me in the moment, I hear a song maybe, or someone says something either amazing or terrible.   It just washes over me, this need to cry.  Last weekend on our hike PreMed said this about her dad, “Pretending no one could see him behind the door of the liquor cabinet doing shots while the rest of the watched TV in the next room is NOT NORMAL, Momma. You did the right thing.”  I cried when she said that because I felt so validated (i was right i was right i was right) and at the same time, miserable (i was wrong i was wrong i was wrong) that I had let it go on as long as it did before finally gathering up my “courage to change the things I can.”  How long it took me to get The Gamer out of that toxic, toxic environment, to set up a nice, quiet place for him to feel calm and safe, to be himself and not tensed up all the time as you ACOA know all too well, a groovy crib to have friends over without worrying about what they'd be walking into, a little taste of Normal-As-I-Have-Come-To-Understand-It.  


So anyway. I cry a lot.  Out of nowhere.   Whatever. I’m still a BAMF.


Back to the forever alone thing -- I’m mostly okay with it.  I was talking with my online friend the other day. (I have very few IRL friends. We'll wait while you unhinge your shocked jaw.) The conversation went a little something like this:


Me:  I really don’t need anyone in my life right now or maybe ever.  I mean, who else thinks popcorn and Coke Zero for dinner while binge-watching The Good Wife is a perfect way to spend an evening?
Him: Good point.   You should put that in your online dating profile.  
Me:  Yeah, about that.  I really only made that to gather material for the blog.
Him:  Which you still haven’t written.
Me:  Good point.


And I really do prefer it, this being alone, although I guess it would be nice to have someone in my life to make plans with that I would then dread, and resent the person for taking up so much space in my head when let’s face it, all I really want to do is lie around in sweats, drinking coffee and messing with people on the internet.   I really don’t feel lonely until I think about what my life must look like to other people. I feel their scorn masquerading as unnecessary (and unsolicited) pity for me because I prefer the richness of my solitude to wearing a bra and waiting for a bartender to notice me so he can get started patronizing me for my drink choice while making agonizing small talk WITH THEM.   


Is that so wrong?  <hint:  nope>

I'm going to post this now because I'm out of ideas (LIE - I'm really just lazy and I want to be done) and because I wanted to let you guys know I'm okay. I know you worry, but you can knock that off now -- all is well as far as I can tell but take that with a grain of salt. What does that even mean, "take it with a grain of salt?" Where did that come from? Too bad we don't have a big book or something we could look stuff up in. Someone should get on that.

24 comments:

  1. Glad you're still around...was wondering why my feed had gone quiet 😉 don't worry about us, we like it on the patio.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am glad you are fine. It is a crying time for me, too. Take care of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is the second time I have said something about dying alone and nobody will know until well after my animals have started to eat me, only to find that you've just made a similar statement. I won't blame them. The animals, I mean. I'm fat, which probably makes me delicious ;-) Facebook can be a whirling vortex of stupidity sometimes, and it's hard to just turn the other cheek. Glad you are ok, even with all the crying. As the adult child of an alcoholic, I can tell you this. My mom stayed way too long but she did it because she didn't want to break up the family. I get why she did it and I don't blame her. I'm guessing your kids won't hold anything against you, either. Love reading your blog. Hopefully we'll see more of it with FB in the mix. NO PRESSURE, of course.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Duh, I meant to say withOUT FB in the mix.

      Delete
  4. I'll not take your name, I'll not take your wit, but I'll take Roche's meds. 3. Times. Daily.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'll take my grain of salt on the rim of the margarita glass I'll raise to wish you well and say thanks for the laughs and observations. You're a BAMF, fo' sho'.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was in a panic looking for you then I read this. I'll wait on the porch for you; I'm a prickly bitch, cacti don't need much water. Take your time and know you are loved.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Glad you're still with us. Called in sick today (yes I work on Sundays).
    :(
    Needed a mental health day. Have to stop listening to Chelsea Wolfe cds & crying whilst washing the dishes. At least my dog (& I think my kids) ♡ me. Onward.

    ReplyDelete
  8. God damn I feel the same way about life and I want to delete my FB page but I know all my family would freak out and assume something was horribly wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  9. It's a crying time for me, too. No big reasons, just that SAD time of year. I'm glad you're ok, and honoring your needs. I'll be waiting til whenever you're ready.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yep, I know about the meds. Take as long as you need, If you don't take care, blah blah. Your blog has made me laugh,so hang on.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm in the hating phase of Facebook right now.. part of me enjoys the blogs but the other part of me hates all the shit some of these crazies are posting. Donald Trump? Seriously? I'm glad to hear you're still here, I do feel like you're my good friend next door neighbor who doesn't live next door! Shit, now I sound crazy! Thanks for popping up today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pretty much summed up what I was going to say. Well said.

      Delete
  12. Klonnie, thanks. You are a rock star! In my doldrums I can barely function conversationally, let alone write coherently. I love your phrase "screedwriters guild"! Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Do worry about us. Take care of you. We love you and understand.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No pity here. Today I really wanted to get my hair done,but the idea of having to interact and make small talk with my hairdresser just made me want to cry. I took a 2 hour nap with the dogs instead. Glad you are still with us.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Nihilistic much? Here we all are whirling in our dirvishes. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I do miss your take on things and having pulled the plug on fb a few times I get it. Best to you and I hope you post from time to time

    ReplyDelete
  17. I like being alone too. Me, Netflix and my dog. And I don't care what people think about it. And there are no perfect parents - just like no perfect people, so cut yourself some slack. We do the best we can when we know how. I'm looking forward to spring - it always helps me and I hope it helps you. ♡

    ReplyDelete
  18. I like being alone too. Me, Netflix and my dog. And I don't care what people think about it. And there are no perfect parents - just like no perfect people, so cut yourself some slack. We do the best we can when we know how. I'm looking forward to spring - it always helps me and I hope it helps you. ♡

    ReplyDelete
  19. Exactly how I feel. Did I write this?!

    ReplyDelete
  20. You've been absent? Haven't noticed. Yeah right!! My thoughts on all of us? Don't care to hear? When has that stopped me? Like never. So, I will say that I'm in that same ocean,flailing around in the salty water...tears?...oh my! And laughing...and being sarcastic..is this the meds? Lol the thing is,I'm an experienced swimmer. Seldom winning the race..but its a good day when I just show up,prepared to swim. And 8 days inside and in jammies doesn't cut it. Happy Groundhog Day!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. You've been absent? Haven't noticed. Yeah right!! My thoughts on all of us? Don't care to hear? When has that stopped me? Like never. So, I will say that I'm in that same ocean,flailing around in the salty water...tears?...oh my! And laughing...and being sarcastic..is this the meds? Lol the thing is,I'm an experienced swimmer. Seldom winning the race..but its a good day when I just show up,prepared to swim. And 8 days inside and in jammies doesn't cut it. Happy Groundhog Day!!

    ReplyDelete