Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentine's Day - aka Amateur Night

I want to write a Valentine's Day blog.  I want to have something to say about Valentine's Day other than how much it sucks.  Once again, a holiday designed to make you feel like a loser if you don't have all the appropriate gear.  Starting with a lover.

Even when I was married, I didn't like Valentine's Day.  Too much pressure.  Is anyone going to live up to the plans we make for them in our heads?  Wouldn't it be great if x and then perfect if y.  If he could intuit my fantasy and make it happen without a word between us.  Destined to fail.  Unless you date yourself, it's not going to be exactly the way you want it.  And even then, you're kind of hit or miss.

I have the unique perspective of having had pretty much all the different Valentine's Day scenarios there are.  I was the kid in second grade, making valentines for all the kids in the class but forgetting one boy.  They passed out a list and I lost it.  Sorry, Bill.  It didn't have candy in it so big whoop.

Then I was in high school, no boyfriend, scorning all the Valentine's Day shenanigans because superior.  More like smug, actually.  I was probably getting high in the smoking lounge (can you imagine having something like that today?) before heading off to Honors English.  I had range but no boyfriend.  No magic on Valentine's Day or other day.

When I finally did get a boyfriend, Valentine's Day was nothing special, although I vaguely recall an erotic drawing, maybe of me, maybe of the previous girlfriend over whom he was not yet.

I started dating my ex three days after Valentine's Day, so we had a whole year before Valentine's Day reared its ugly, awkward head.  Privately, I though it would be cool if he proposed, but he didn't, so that was yet another disappointment.  After we did get married, he would dutifully bring home flowers and we would go through the motions, but by then I was so disinterested in him that it felt like a chore to muster up the appropriate responses.   I had set impossible hurdles to jump over that we couldn't have afforded even if he had thought of them, weekend trips to the wine country, or his and hers massages and an hour wrapped in towels with cucumber slices over our eyes.

Please let me tell you that all of these perceived deficiencies were mine and mine alone, and before you begin a sermon about being glad for what you have, let me hasten to add that I was grateful to have a partner to perform these rituals with, with whom I had what passed for love.  I even felt it most of the time.

Then there was the Mother-of-the-Year Olympics, with each mother trying to outdo the rest with elaborate valentines for the class that they had clearly made themselves, because calligraphy was not one of the electives offered in kindergarten.

So now I have come full circle, having the first real Valentine's Day without a lover in 30 years.  Once again, being alone on a holiday doesn't bother me as much as the perception that other people have of how sad I must be and how pitiful it is.  So they assuage their consciences by including me in whatever they have going on.  Valentine's Day is the worst for this as you might imagine.  It's a day and more importantly, a night when people worry if you're okay, which you totally are until they ask you (thank you Schroedinger or is it Heisenberg?)  Which is why I'm going to spend Valentine's Day with 135,000 of my closest friends on Facebook, jamming to good music, pulling up our chairs and having a simply lovely time being Nutjobs together for Flirtation Friday, and far more important, pitchers and catchers report to start spring training.

I'm all about priorities.


  1. Today marks my first visit to your blog. Nice work! I will be watching! Ooohh. Best of all worlds to you, Donna Iverson

  2. I'm all in for a night of music with my fellow Nutjobs! In fact, it'll probably be the best Valentines Days I've had in quite some time. :)

  3. Movie, pizza, tequila. Then loud music.

  4. Finally I feel validated. Thank you.

  5. I'm in a 25+ marriage I don't want to be in, and secretly in love with someone from afar. I'm only staying for the kids, who are 13 and 11. I wish Valentine's Day would go straight to fucking hell. I gave up alcohol a year ago because of all the meds (Klonipin, Xanax, etc.) I'm on, no sex for 3+ years and gave up junk food (but have lost 50 lbs). My kids are all I have. *sigh*

  6. This is OT, Klonnie, but did you make bumper stickers? Because I just saw "Namasté, bitches" and now i want one. It was on a Subaru. In Gainesville FL.
    And P.S., Valentine's Day is my least favorite holiday too.
    XO Jenny

  7. Flirtation Friday is much better than some bullshit Hallmark holiday anyway because oftentimes fantasy is much better than reality. The cute guy smiling at your sweaty self at the gym is so much better than the garbage boxed chocolate you ate to have to go to the gym to burn that crap off so it doesn't go straight to your hips (quality chocolate is worth staying home and eating). But then would you have been smiled at by the cute guy at the gym if you didn't eat the shitty chocolate? What a vicious cycle.

    Sending all of you love!!!