You know how you're staying in your house with The Gamer for the week while your ex travels on business and the house is so filthy and destroyed that you can't even breathe from the panic and you can't figure out whether you should clean up or leave it be since it's not your mess but you're literally nauseated as you to look around and you don't even want to put your food in the refrigerator and the dumbass has the sprinklers set even though he let the dogs tear up the back yard so all there is is mud and of course the dogs track it in and out and that explains why the floors are so horrible but as you wash them you can see that they're going to have to be redone because who the hell puts hardwood in the kitchen but you did because you knew you would wash them and buff them with Murphys only you haven't lived there for a year and so of course they are being destroyed and there is chaos everywhere so you run around taking pictures of everything document document document and you text your friend (in another state) and ask for help and he tells you to pack your ex's stuff and kick him out and you know you should but you're a sad, scared helpless Nutjob who isn't as strong as everyone tells you you are and you just sit down and cry and yell and curse at the dog who is not really the problem but one of many symbols of the problem because your daughter snuck (sneaked?) her into the house and wouldn't train her or get her shots or anything you need to do to care for a dog what the fuck is the matter with her but it's your fault somehow that she never got what you need to do to be a human on this earth and that's just another in a laundry list of things you hate your ex for because couples are supposed to be parents together and not let one (you) be the bad guy without supporting but in fact undermining what you are trying to do which is teach discipline which doesn't have to be harsh if it's done with love but since you never get your way it ends up feeling harsh and you feel like all you do is yell and he encourages them to understand that it's because there's something wrong with you that you're always yelling even though you go around to your friends' houses and they all seem peaceful and clean as though there is some order in place that everyone lives by but when you go home and ask for things to be like that all you get are eyerolls and mocking and passive-aggressive bullshit from your ex who is "fiftyteen" as another one of your friends (of course in another state) said which is absolutely brilliant and your friends are all very supportive but unfortunately most of them are far away and it's very difficult and scary to be alone trying to handle this even though everyone tells you "you're stronger than you know" and "you got this" that just adds to the feeling you've always had which is what other people want is more important than what you want so you let it all be okay until it just isn't okay any more so you finally move out and then everyone blames you for either not dealing with the problems sooner or not dealing with them at all but running away from them instead and there's no way to explain to them that you are trying to let your ex reach bottom because he's what they call a "functioning alcoholic" which is the worst kind because "what's the problem I go to work every day and make a lot of money doing important things so why shouldn't I have a drink or two" (or four or five and let's not forget how many nights he throws back an Ambien or two with them) so part of the plan is to let the house get completely destroyed so that at some point you can go to him and say "you have to go because you aren't handling it" but then you have to go in and fix and clean it because you want to show your son what normal looks like and it's not this believe me so you've completely fucked up the plan because he'll come home from the trip and say "thanks babe" (because he still calls you "babe" which is just fucking nauseating if you'll excuse the language) "place looks great" and now you have to start over and your friend says "throw him out" but how the fuck do you do that when you're a scared Nutjob who has never trusted yourself because everyone always told you you overreact to things and oh by the way you have a neurochemical imbalance which clouds your judgment and even though you take your meds you're still always suspect so you've found this great outlet which is to write these elaborate run-on sentences which is a literary device that you constantly have to tell people because maybe they don't get that you really do know how to write but anyway there's a sentence that's a blog post and you hope that some of it resonated with someone?
Yeah, me neither. That's crazy. Who would do that?
HUGS, just huge hugs from a nutjob who gets it and you.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant sentence. And brings back so many memories of some divorces that I've been involved in, not all of them mine.
ReplyDeleteLady....that very long,beautifully written run-on sentence just made me love you a little more and I also agree with outta state friend...pack him up and move him out of your home that he is in the process of ruining...Lotsa love from the upper left corner of the US map
ReplyDeleteKlonnie. When I got out of my nutjob relationship with an unmedicated asshole... I cried so hard... but he was abusive so why cry but it still hurt so I told myself that I could cry so long as I unpacked 1 box in my new too-expensive apartment... you can do the same thing.
ReplyDeleteWhat your son needs is definitely to see normal... but he's old enough to know that your ex isn't. So you don't need to be physically photoshopping where he lives.
It's more important for him to see normal where YOU live. And yes, the hardwood floors YOU were going to fix but shit happens. Now you will keep up other hardwood floors.
You keep up YOURSELF first. Everything else will fall into place. That I actually promise.
I completely get it..we are crazy enough without the crazymakers making it worse. I too want to throw mine out but am scared to death. I haven't worked in years caus ehe wanted a stay at home wife and even though it's only me left at home cause all the kids moved out the second they could cause they hate him I think how am i gonna support myself? I have no family to fall back on so here i sit just wanting to crawl in a corner and not come out. So hugs to you....i feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteYes. What Moonstruck said. xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteWow! U just described how I feel daily (different circumstances of course... ) :/ I completely get why ur friends tell u what they do (about what u should do), but they aren't living it, it's not as easy as they think it is. Ur plan is kinda perfect... except for the fact that u cleaned up, so yea ur gonna have to wait awhile to pull it off... but I wish u luck! Goes without saying (cause I follow u on fb and most of ur posts make me feel like I'm not alone in my way of thinking, which is a huge relief!), I'm here if u need to vent ;)
ReplyDeleteOmg every word resonated with me and I want to reply in kind but I'm afraid that will irritate you and seem like a lame ploy to get on the "in" with you but since I'm up at 4am because I can't sleep I will anyway because after all I just told all my friends to fuck off because I'm embarrassed that they think I'm strong enough that I should have kicked my own functioning alcoholic out but the truth is I tried and he basically said no and still comes to bed every night at 2am and wakes me up (why the fuck does he have to wake me up every night?!?) To say "night sugar" and because really what the hell am I going to do when I have three kids first grade and younger who I have no idea how to suppirt because he has convinced me that I am a nutjob while simultaneously laughing that my 4 yo just said "damn!" Again because daddy always cusses. Shit you are much better at this than me. I give up lol. All that to say I hear you. And I'm there too. And I have a lawyer to call but I know its me that's going to end up out of the house and that terrifies me.
ReplyDeleteI love u lady. Not in a sexual way, that would be a little weird. In a I Iove your stream of consciousness writing way. Every day I check out my facebook page and see your posts that remind me I am not alone. So, if u don't feel u can kick your douchebag ex out, then try to think about the new place that u will end up in. Where u put in hardwood floors in the kitchen (and on the ceiling if u want, even though that doesn't make sense), clean them, and they stay clean, and un-ruined. As hard as it is, look to the future instead of wasting your valuable energy and brilliant wisdom on fixing a past that can't change.
ReplyDeleteAwesome. This time I really did end on a positive note. Score!
Girl. I just love you so much it physically hurts. I'm still here. I will always be here. No matter what.
ReplyDeleteOosh. Life just wears us the fuck out, doesn't it? And what the Sweet Baby Jesus is a functioning alcoholic? Okay, so they haul their asses to the job on a regular basis. So what? Should we give them an award? Truth is, they are seldom functional where it really counts: in their relationships with their spouses and kids. Why do we devote 130% of our emotional energy to managing our unstable significant others?
ReplyDeleteDo I sound angry? I just really need a good night's sleep. And maybe something pharmaceutical.
Also, apologies for the indelicate verbiage. Cussing makes me feel better.
*screams loudly into pillow*
ReplyDeleteFor you. Because FIFTYTEEN!!!!
P tothe motherfuckig S: Take the boy with you. Give him stable somewhere else because if you're trying to keep some stability for him in that place it will never happen because THAT place will never be stable with a teenage buddy dudebro dad.
Do it Klonnie. Save the only thing left you can save. Take the boy and give him stability in your closet if thats all theres room for- i think you know well enough you can do that much. Hugs from Cali.
I love the way the entire thing ends in a question mark. As a fellow Nutjob, I feel like my entire life is one long rambling question with no answer. I guess maybe that's true for everyone, but I think as Nutjobs we tend to spin on that Hamster Wheel more than most.
ReplyDeleteI also totally get how those little oh-so-"helpful" phrases like "You got this" or "You are stronger than you think" can make you feel like you've been pelted with dogsh*t. What is it that people do not understand about the whole neurochemical imbalance thing? Oh yeah--it's the whole neurochemical imbalance thing. :/
Clean the fridge and a stripe down the kitchen floor. And pick up food trash. Leave everything else.
ReplyDeleteWowowow how did I stumble on this? Serendipity. Karma. Chemistry. Happenstance. Obviously meant to be. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteTragic irony is right. Letting the house go to shit, good job 'dad'.
ReplyDeleteBecause insomnia is why I write this now. Because meds dont always work like they should. Because "YOU GOT THIS" and all you really have is everything you need to fall apart!!! I hate that! Because TKC is my nightly reading material because I understan run ons and because who cares about puncuation sometimes or ever because mind racing dosent use puncuation so why should we use it when we are racing our minds to keep up when writing. Ugh! Truth: we are not always strong enough or got anything or just one day at a time because 1minute at a time. I break down and fall apart on the regular because even tho im strong enough, I still feel feelings and feelings make you think and then its off to the races. Being strong can sometimes mean you have everytjing under control...pfffft, what the fuck do we really control? Absolutely nothing. We cant control functioning alcoholic, or unhappy marriages or depression or anxiety or nuerochemical imbalances, or what the fuck ever else we should be strong about. Sometimes a good breakdown/cry/yelling out/vodka &coke zero can help feel a bit better,so YOU GOT THAT, so do it!!!! You are human, it happens! Just one thing tho... Dont EVER feel sorry for yourself. After all that, buy assistant something chocalate or whatever is new for the season at starbucks, give bossman a high five for no reason, and buy some new heels because for the love of shoes.....and smile because pearly whites. Sometimes we gotta fake it till we make it. And because agoraphobia, you dont have to go anywhere you dont want until you want to. Or not date because its like picking up a second job. Until you want to. And please correct me if im wrong but Klonnie has moved away and gamer is with her so ex is only on the weekends exept when switch, but no because she dosent want to. So, you dont always got this and you are not always strong and thats okay because human. Carry on, just a lil dose of insomnia. I freakin love the shit out of you and your everything that you are and write. Hope I wasnt a bore. Sweet dreams :)
ReplyDeleteI just go around telling people I have a tumor that can't be operated on. They understand that more than sick in the head. Yup I'm crazy stay up for days at a time and just keep forgetting to tell doc that I'm bipolar. ..lol well of course until I started to try and kill myself.
ReplyDeleteThis was the most fucking awesome run on sentence I've ever read in my life...which it too seems like a run on sentence.
ReplyDeleteJust to let you guys know -- if you try to comment but you don't see that your comment published -- I moderate the comments because this one time at band camp someone came on the blog and vomited crazy all over it so, um, yeah. I'll get to it, I promise, but it won't be immediate. That's what she said? No, probably not.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you had a rough week. Sorry :( Divorce is a crappy, drawn-out, agonizing process that makes you feel like you are going crazy. The whole thing is insanity. My divorce lawyer made me turn to my ex in front of the judge and state that there was an irrevocable breakdown in the marriage and that for all intents and purposes the marriage was DEAD. So I did as she prepped me to do and my ex started crying. OMG, wtf? He is crying? The narcissistic, sociopathic, cheater? Of course being raised Catholic I felt immediate and intense guilt over the whole thing like I was the one who ruined everything and now Mr. Sad teary face will haunt my dreams and for a while I just felt like the biggest loser on the beach (to quote Spongebob). The awesome thing though, is that shortly after the divorce was finalized he turned his ugly "eye of Mordor" off of me and began his hunt for a new victim. You chose happiness over dysfunctional misery and you will get there. It is possible. I am not there myself but everyday I keep trying. Some days are better than others but that is true of anything in life. Best sentence every by the way, you used it as a most effective literary device. When all this is over you can do an Augusten Burroughs and write the rest of us non writers a book on surviving life with panache.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the insight :) <3
ReplyDeleteKlonnie I think I love you in a sister way cuz that's how I roll and that's how you roll and if we rolled the other way we might be even bigger wrecks than we are now but maybe not cuz we wouldn't have men to deal with but even though they drive me crazy I still like men most of the time
ReplyDeleteI have no advice. I have no comforting words that could express anything more than everyone else has said. I have no unicorn farts and rainbows to throw in the air to make you smile. All I have is a virtual hug and <3 and all that mushy crap. And I know you will make it through, even if you don't right now. Why? Because you are strong. Even strong people get knocked down, cry, have a bottom scraping stretch. But the fact that you are getting up, still, blogging, posting, working, means you are still taking life by the day. Just the fact that you get out of bed in the morning means you are still strong.
ReplyDeleteCan't hardly wait for the book!!! You are awesome and you'll do just fine. However it turns out, you will be on the proper side, cause you care with both your head and your heart.
ReplyDeleteEerily similar story, here. Battle scars are really deep but they can be hidden. The occasional urge to ask, once again, what the hell happened is still there after all these years. My gamer is amazing, the druggie turned it around and pre med (a relative I raised) didn't finish what was started but is just as pleased with herself and moving to Hawaii in April. It's all going to happen and just remember to scream and cry and break plates as often as you need to. What I would have given to have you here 20 years ago. Oh, the best part...I'm still nuts :D
ReplyDeleteBut you did make it out, so yay you! And run on sentences are so effin great, especially when they are written so perfectly that Word cannot find a valid reason to underline the whole damn thing in green. ;)
ReplyDeleteWhich is why there are courts to figure this shit out. It's just not as cut and dry easy as those who aren't in the middle of the shitstorm think it might/should be. It's more than the house that's a mess, but one little step forward at a time, with all the help you can gather from whatever sources you have, and the time, which will go by anyway, will turn out to be your friend.
ReplyDelete