I stayed home from work with THE VERTIGO this morning. My head doesn't spin and I don't feel faint but I don't have any balance. I'm just wobbly. I get up and it feels like I am going to fall over if I don't hold on to something. This happened once before and I went to Urgent Care because I thought I'd had a stroke or something. And they took it seriously enough to give me a CAT scan and all kinds of other stuff including a prescription for something really expensive that turned out to be Dramamine. Thanks, WebMD. I should send you the invoice.
Anyway, the point is, it's better today but I still feel wobbly. I'm trying to get it together to go in to work because my desk is messy and I have projects half-done and someone might rifle through my papers and judge. I can't let it go and just stay in bed, even though when I called to confess that I had been careless and let myself be weak and ill, that's exactly what Assistant said to do.
Yesterday, I was practically crying over being wobbly and not being able to do anything but lie here, practically crying over being wobbly and not being able to do anything but lie here. Well, no, I wasn't practically crying. I was literally crying. (But NOT snot-crying. There's a line.) I'm freaked out because I feel like the world is judging everything I do because I left my home and my marriage and to an outsider it might look like I abandoned my son.
Yesterday, I was practically crying over being wobbly and not being able to do anything but lie here, practically crying over being wobbly and not being able to do anything but lie here. Well, no, I wasn't practically crying. I was literally crying. (But NOT snot-crying. There's a line.) I'm freaked out because I feel like the world is judging everything I do because I left my home and my marriage and to an outsider it might look like I abandoned my son.
My best friend forever, hereinafter known as BFF, told me that I never take any time for myself and this episode is a sign that I need to take a break and just rest. But I can't take a day off to be sick, especially with something so whackadoodle as THE VERTIGO, because I'm a Nutjob who has to take psych meds and here is one more example of everything that's wrong with me. I can't have this! I'm losing points in the Passive Aggressive Olympics!
You and I both know that I am right for leaving Mr. K. because he is an alcoholic who will never get well if I keep propping him up and making it seem like everything is okay when it's not it's not it's not! <stamps foot, pounds table, rubs stomach, pats head>. BUT I KEEP FORGETTING. And I think maybe there *is* something wrong with me for leaving Mr. K. and my home and not talking to Troubled any more. I must be a horrible, unforgiving, petty, angry Nutjob with a mood disorder who can't trust her perception of reality because feelings.
I know it probably looks like that to the rest of the world and let's not kid ourselves that is what really matters and maybe there really is a Passive Aggressive Olympics and that Mr. K. and I really are competing for who is more worthy of sympathy (him) and who is more blameable (me) and that little red underline is telling me "blameable" isn't a word but fuck that noise because it is too a word because it's what I am.
So once again the run-on sentences have taken over and you know I do that for effect and to make you smile because goddamnit if I can't then at least someone should and I bet you are going to send me some really nice and supportive messages full of helpful suggestions and you know I love you for it but I do moderate the comments so you might not see them until I can find the little "publish" button because of the crying from the horrible guilt and fear and all the things because THE VERTIGO.
Vertigo can eat a huge bag of dicks. Love you, lady <3
ReplyDeleteAlthough you're not yelling, I feel like you're yelling because I'm hearing you so crystal clear. I am still fighting some bronchial thing after 2 weeks because I didn't take time off. Because of my desk. And the riffling through papers thing by others. And because I'm just that indispensable, damnit. And, no, I don't often take time for myself. Because then I have to feel all the feelings. And realize that I don't even really know what I want or need any more. But I'm getting better at it. One dust mote at a time...I'm sorry you're feeling so ollywag and out of your zone. Much love coming. But you know that.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone Klonnie and this shall pass. I left work last week with the vertigo. I never leave work. Much better this week,
ReplyDeleteShine on you crazy diamond! If you ask me (and nobody did) Mr K is an asshat for not taking responsibility for acting like a douche canoe so you are totally blameless in my book!
ReplyDeleteKlonnie you deserve to take care of you and taking this small amount of time off till the world stops spinning too fast for you to stand up as firm and tall as normal is fine. You are an amazingly strong woman who gives so many of us out here hope on a daily basis. I too have had to walk away from people I loved dearly who were killing themselves because I couldn't stand by and help them to do it anymore. You can't blame yourself for Mr. K. and his inability to cope with things in a healthy way. you have to realize that by forcing him to stand on his own that you are doing the thing that is truly best for him and comes from a place of love. He may have some hard lessons ahead of him but he might not have the chance to learn them at all if you didn't stop enabling his bad behavior. Know that whether you are snot-crying, foot stamping, raising hell, or typing absolutely brilliantly funny run on sentences that we adore you and are here for you.
ReplyDeleteTHE VERTIGO SUCKS!!!! I too take Klonopin and psych meds. I can relate.....But THE VERTIGO is terrible and I wish it upon no one lol. I had it so bad once that not only did my balance cease to exist, but the world was spinning and every time I even slightly moved, I would vomit my guts up......Terrible terrible thing THE VERTIGO is.......
ReplyDeleteI am a recovering alcoholic/addict and you did the right thing. Never doubt that you did the right thing. I lost everything, my apartment, my car, my daughter, no really I didn't lose them I gave them up and let them go because alcohol was more important to me. I love you and your blog.
ReplyDeletealso I am sober ten years now (my second ten years I relapsed after the first ten because I don't learn easily) I have a much better life and my daughter and I are closer than ever. :)
DeleteTough, TUFF LUV : Here's the deal. WE NEED YOU. forget about your guilt and fear and being judged because its not about YOU anymore. (Im hoping this tough love approach works) You have to take car of yourself. Even if you don't like yourself for what you did, do, know, didn't do etc ... Im not going to say the obvious "you did the right thing by leaving that AHOLE" because you know you did. I often say LIFE IS TOO LONG to spend it in a situation or with people who suck. Your shitbag must have been a KING MANIPULATOR. Now put on your big girl pants and get funny bitch! We all love you ... Miss Panic
ReplyDeleteWell! Bless your heart!
ReplyDeleteBitches be crazy. I bet you're real pretty though. Even with snot. Fuck you autocorrect I meant snot and not snit and I type just fine because Klonnie was nice enough to be a greedy wench and take all of THE VERTIGO for herself.
ReplyDeleteBlameable absopositively IS a word, as listed in the Oxford Full English Dictionary-Breakfast thing. This blog would seem to be a spanner. Or possibly a tool? (wrench?) This observer fervently hopes it is having the desired effect, you seem to be comprised mostly of light and lovely. Please refrain from bludgeoning oneself into a grey jelly with it.
ReplyDeletewe. must. be. related.... This is soooooo me!!! I feel like I may be normal!! Oh I have laughed so hard reading this! Hang in there- you are truly a talented writer! ( I hate reading and I read yours twice!!!) (((hugs))) and keep your wonderful words of perception and hilarity coming!!! magscott31061
ReplyDeleteNice to know there are so many of us out there! My vertigo issues turned out to be panic attacks. Scariest thing ever! (On top of everything else!) And it does suck to actually feel sick on sick days, so I finally retired! :)
ReplyDeleteFacebook just suggested your blog to me. I had never heard of it. I just read it all. Thank you. I am not going to post a this is all the shit that is wrong with me and here is why I relate comment but more of a there is shit wrong with me and I completely relate and I needed to find you comment.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought......as I have been through some extremely ( which is not really a good enough descriptor, but it'll do) painful situations with my marriage and children....what if u choose to not blame anyone and just know that changing situations, whether as a leader or a bystander, are a natural part of our evolution as people? No need to publish. It's really just something to think about. As if u don't already have enough.
ReplyDeleteFuck. Yes. (~Nuts)
ReplyDeleteI want to say something encouraging like "this too shall pass" or "it will all work out eventually" or "something...ANYthing", but those just seem like empty words. So I will simply say that sometimes we just have to sit in it (our pain, our illness, whatever) until we are done sitting in it. And we wont be done until we are done. (Yeah, I know...it sucks, but I will promise that it IS awesome when we are finally done sitting in it and can move on to the next thing). I want to say "you are NOT a 'a horrible, unforgiving, petty, angry Nutjob' or blamable, or an abandoner (yup a real word...I just made it up)". But I can't say those things because they are not YOUR truth. So....I will just say that I will love you and see you as the amazing woman you are until THAT becomes your truth! It is my truth, and evidently, the truth for all of us who love & support you!!
ReplyDeleteOkay this really isn't going to be about Mr.K because we all know that guy is _____ (supply appropriate word here). But I get THE VERTIGO & part of it is because my sinuses are as bat shit crazy as I am.. so who am I to judge? I take an antihistamine on "tha regular." If you haven't taken any yet: try Allegra, Zyrtec or Claritin. I had an MRI & MRA COW. Just to "make sure" I didn't have an aneurysm. Muh brain is (visibly) fine. Thanks for that, doc!
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't keep souvenirs of a killing. You shouldn't have been that sentimental.
ReplyDeleteBecause double-edgy.
Vertigo, I cant relate to, Bipolarity a Fuckton, ;)
ReplyDeleteThumbs up,
I hate Vertigo, my guy thinks that I am having mini strokes..what a douche anyway, it sucks and I think my brain is pissed and the meds do not make it easier for me, but I can function most of the time...I do take sinus meds when my vertigo kicks it up to the point that I am falling off of a couch ( not really but that's how I feel) while sitting... anyway I thought I was crazy, well I know I am, but I am glad I am not alone in this, so glad I found your blog...Thank You one hundred times over, I think you saved my life....
ReplyDeleteVertigo sucks a big one. It's almost a chronic thing with me :/ I love your blog..thanks to Facebook for the suggestion. And blameable is a word if you want it to be, fuck the spell checker ;)
ReplyDeletewow. i love you. you are like my very own twin...though i bet you dont have purple hair, a neurotic cat and a husband and a full grown daughter who are conspiring against you.
ReplyDeleteok, maybe you do have purple hair with me.
i've had vertigo for 12 years, lots of fun, NOT! Talk to your doctor about taking Antivert also known as meclizine, get the 12.5 mg and take it, the 25 mg will knock you out, well it did to me anyway but i can function with the 12.5 mg and actually drive which i don't recommend if you have vertigo, it is worse than driving drunk.
ReplyDeleteThis is such an awesome site. I feel like I'll fit in with you and the dam VERTIGO! I WILL RETURN, IF that's Okay?
ReplyDeleteWell, holy shit, Klonnie. I didn't know your whole story! I've got so many "labels" I need to keep them in alphabetical order. About the VERTIGO. I've lived with it since I wad 14years old. Imagine how happy my high school years were! Especially with a mother who kept telling me I was making it up.....I was a lazy good for nothing. Btw, I am 57years old now! So, let's talk about klonopin. I would have literally killed myself if it wasn't for klonopin. I still get the "wobbles" but at least there are days I CAN get out of bed, I can do some shopping, etc. I had to go on disability after not being able to keep a job due to this disease. I could write a book! Anyway, your feeling guilty is making your mental and physical problems WORSE. It is what it is. Accept it. Work with it. Anything/anyone who is making you nutty.......get rid of them. Harsh? No. Experienced. I'm tellin ya, Klonnie, you gotta take care of you; one day at a time!
ReplyDeleteThere is so much I want to say to you - I hope you get to see this. I am you. I was you, and no amount of meds or sobriety changes the fact that I feel every bit of what you are saying. I had my own Mr. K. and he was horrible and mean and I felt awful terrible guilt when I finally left. The guilt is gone - and sadly many years later he still abuses himself with drugs and alcohol. Losing me 6+ years ago didn't change it, and losing his kids thru the courts a year ago didnt change it (Insert WAY more guilt) and I will NOT let my children be abused. I still tend to let myself be abused, but I am learning. It's so hard, but reading your blog has reminded me that I am not alone, I am not any more crazy than everyone else, and I thought you might want to know you are not alone either. He May never change. But you can.
ReplyDelete