Thursday, August 22, 2013

In Which I Am Invited to Rejoin the Household

There's a very brief  scene in Woody Allen's Annie Hall, when Alvy Singer is trying to find a couple who seem happy together so he can find out how they make that work.   He sees a beautiful couple walking down the street and he runs up to them asks them, "Here, you look like a very happy couple. How do you account for it?"  And the woman, lithe and blonde, says  "Well, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say." She looks to the man who says, "And I'm exactly the same way."


*   *   *   *   *

Money and kids.  The one-two punch of arguments in a marriage.  My husband and I are going over the budget. We come up against the following issues without actually fighting about them.

--  His nephew, Artist, an adult, who has been living with us for a solid year, rent-free.


--  The low five-figure cash account he has -- funded by jointly owned savings bonds, cashed in and ostensibly used for ski trips and other out-of-budget items.


--  The cash account I opened as a hedge when he started talking about separate accounts.


--  The money he gave to Troubled and Juvie, including $1,600 to pay off warrants, $1,400 for their "apartment" that turned out to be a room in some house of which they wouldn't even give the address, let alone let us see, and other surreptitious fistfuls of cash over the course of the last year.


-- The impounded car and who's fault it was (his) and how I had to use the last of the money I had inherited from my mother to pay off the car loan before it ruined our credit.


Each time one of these issues comes up, I will myself to sit silently.  I start to say something, and snap my mouth shut before I do.   Keep your mouth shut. Do not engage. My anger comes in brilliant flashes.  The injustice, the betrayal, the hurt come flooding back despite months of protecting myself from all the feels. 


"We could save a lot of money if we didn't have to pay your rent," says Mr. K.  Again, my mouth opens and closes like a fish on a hook.  We have to pay rent for me to live somewhere else because he drove me away with his drinking, his indifference, his refusal to be a husband to me and a parent to our children.  Now he wants to blame me for our unbalanced budget.  Nothing new here.


"If you move back here, we could save almost $10,000 a year."  (By switching to Geico? I think, with an internal squeak of hysterical laughter.)    "What do you mean?" I say aloud. At first I thought he meant that one of us (him) would move into PreMed's room now that she had gone to college.  He watches me expectantly as I tried to envision it.


"God.  I don't even really know what you are talking about.  What would that look like? Would you take the room, or would I?"  Thinking,  how would we be separated if we lived in the same house?   Dismay with a tinge of bemusement.  Like the attorney who wanted to see us together in order work out our separation, he just doesn't get it.  He was boldfaced and innocent and optimistic and hopeful.  Imploring me silently with an almost desperate expression.


"I thought you might move back in.  With me.  Get back together."


I stare at him as it washes over me, what he thinks is possible that I would agree to.


"I'd like to invite you to rejoin the household."


Is he fucking kidding me right now?   Reconciling.   When a mere conversation about the household budget provokes decades-long anger and resentment and bitterness.   The feelings that won't subside until we're really apart and can use that distance to get perspective, to start trying to forgive.  But he is immune to that, determined to pretend everything is okay.  He just wants it to be okay again.   Just.  Please.


I can almost hear his thought process, a waterwheel grinding the grain of blame and denial.  Please just move back and make everything okay.  Because when you won't (and I know you won't), I can blame you for being unreasonable.  Look, Troubled has moved back home, she has a job, she is registered for school. All the things you were unhappy about are fixed.  Why can't you come back now?   


It's so much easier to charge me with the job of breaking up this family on a capricious whim  than to accept his role in the collapse of our marriage.  Easier to accuse me of walking out on our family when what I did was walk out on him and his emotional abuse. All that is far preferable to dropping his denial to the floor and manning up for the hard work he refuses to even consider that he needs to do.  


Just please, he implores with his enormous and tear-filled eyes.  Please let us be the happy couple in the Woody Allen movie.  Please just be the blonde woman, very shallow and empty, with no ideas and nothing interesting to say, so that I can be the man with her, exactly the same way.  


38 comments:

  1. Holy shit. I know there is content here, and you ARE actually saying something, but the words are so beautiful and poignant that I have to read it again to make sure I was able to get to the bottom of it in spite of all the visuals you've put in my head. It's seriously like I'm not even looking at words. Does that even make any sense? I just fucking LOVE this.

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    1. It makes total sense. It also knocked me on my ass and burst me into tears. Thank you for one of the ten best comments I have ever gotten.

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    2. Just please keep writing like this. =)

      (and yeah, this is Abandoning Pretense)

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    3. Klonnie - Write a book. Please.

      Kristen - You took words I could have never formed right out of my mouth, somehow.

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    4. Mina Klonopina sounds like a mixed drink sis. Love from TIC!

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    5. What Kristen said!.....DITTO!.....BRAVO!.....WORDSMITH!....just my 2 cents.

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    6. Call me crazy (winkie) but I crave the praise for the writing more than the support (which I also love). Anyone can have a life-changing crisis . . . ;)

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  2. Great post. My husband and I are still together, but I really think he'd love to have that blonde woman. My ideas and interest mean nothing to him...

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  3. Oh Klonnie...first I have to say this: your writing slays me. It just rips through the screen and grabs my heart.
    And then, I know where you are walking these days, on a line so narrow and perilous that your heart stays permanently in your throat making it nearly impossible to breathe. I have been there, and I am there again! Why do we not learn? Why do we let men put us in these positions? I am recently, after 13 years apart, being asked to 'do something' about a man who I was married to for 25 years! I believed him when he said the divorce came through and he would send me the copies. I figured he hadn't gotten around to it, it was buried under mountains of unpaid bills and collection companies trying to find a way to nail him. I wanted to believe it was over and finished, so I did. And it wasn't. It isn't. How could I let this happen? I didn't want to deal with anything more. I had left my entire life to get away from him, and though it has been hard, I just couldn't deal with anymore at that point, so I blithely went on, pretending it was done until I believed it. I know you are smarter than I was, I know you will not let him make any more moves that will destroy your family, I know you will do anything if you have to. But I hope you won't have to. I know you have the strength and the wisdom. But the heart is a difficult thing to control. I hope you have great success with that, and with all the hard decisions you will have to make. Don't become the blonde woman.

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  4. Wow that seriously hit a nerve here. You are such a brave, strong woman.

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  5. I sincerely wish the best for you. I left my lesser half over a year ago and I can still feel the desperation and pleading his voice. You have captured the essence of "doneness" when everthing you have been fighting for-independence, self love and emotional freedom (sort of)-becomes so clear that the river of B.S. just flows around you and you just know, this time, you're not getting soaked. Love your blog, I stalk you on fb. Keep ya head up!

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  6. Well shit.. so proud of you for doing the RIGHT thing instead of the EASY one.. Even so, I cannot imagine how difficult that was/is. It's easy to "play pretend"... Be proud of yourself for refusing to play.
    xoxo
    ~HMM

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  7. Oh my dear dear Klonnie......he truly knows just how to hurt you doesn't he? My ex used to do the same thing to me. I was being unreasonable, I should just let him screw everything in a skirt and be ok with it.....including the mustachioed woman from the apartment downstairs.......... I hope you will be strong enough to punch him in the nose the next time you see him! (Or at least envision it in your head for a satisfying little giggle)

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    1. Oh, Lisa - you had me at "mustachioed woman"!

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  8. You get it. It's not easy to make the hard choices. You can only look after your needs right now and your main need is distance - physically, emotionally, financially.
    Sending you all the support that I know you'll need.

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  9. I don't know what to say... Except to quote a Barenaked Ladies Song "I could leave, but I'll just stay... All my stuff's here anyway."

    What do you do with that? It's easier to give up on happiness. It's cheaper financially, but the ultimate cost is your soul, love.

    I wish I had advice. I don't. I've been there, many times... yet I got nuthin'. You know why?

    Because I always went back.

    Lost 13 years of my life because of it. If it was just that he was a drunk, it wouldn't have been so bad... I guess anyway.

    Know that I love you. Know that *some* people are hard to love; others are impossible. Know you need to love yourself.

    If you ever need to scream or cry, I'm a stranger with no predisposition of who the hell you are...which makes me a good listener.

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  10. Don't fall for it! The schmuck is trying to trap you! He's discovered that being a parent is nowhere near as easy as you made it seem and he can't hack it on his own. This is a man who couldn't even handle getting up early enough to get Gamer to school on the second day, for crying out loud. Gamer's smart. So's Pre-Med. Troubled, eh, maybe not so much. Time will tell. That being said, Gamer & Pre-Med will figure out who's responsible for what.

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  11. BULLS.EYE. you are right. stay strong.

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  12. I noticed you called him your husband, instead of Mr. K or passive something or other. I understand, oh so well, about emotional abuse. But is there hope?

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  13. Touched. Understand. Because of this, I have a wall around my heart that cannot be breached. I pray that you come through this without that wall.

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  14. What is it with men? They have no responsibility for anything whatsoever and have the uncanny ability to make it all the woman's fault. They really don't want the empty headed blonde; they want the APPEARANCE of the empty headed blonde who has the strength and fortitude of Atlas and the gentleness of mommy who will make everything just fine for them. UGH! Stay strong, girl!!

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  15. I am such a fan of yours. I hope you can use all this wonderful and witty wisdom to get you a book deal at the very least. You are a talented person who deserves a break. I don't know you but I'm proud of you. And you reminded me of this: (not sure the link will work but let's give it a shot) http://youtu.be/9tRepZdoRmY

    I guess you'll have to copy and paste. Keep fighting the good fight and remember what Adam Duritz of Counting Crows sang, "I've been there before and I deserve a little more..."

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    1. A book! I'm seeing a pattern here. I would love that. But I have to wait until everyone is dead to get famous.

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  16. My first post got eaten but here we go again. I just wanted to say I am a new but great fan of your writing and of YOU. I hope that you can get a book deal on your witty and insightful writing. Did I say witty? I meant hilarious and heartwarming. I want to say you inspired me to share this with you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tRepZdoRmY I guess you'll have to copy and paste - but please do. Also don't forget what Adam Duritz from Counting Crows sings, "I've been there before and I deserve a little more..." Keep on fighting the good fight.

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  17. I would marry you for your vocabulary alone, and we could save money by sharing meds!

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    1. I'm never making that mistake again. But I bet we'd have a blast as friends with benefits. lol

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  18. The eloquence of your pain brought tears to my eyes. Your justified rage makes my heart hurt for you, for me, for all of us that, despite all our savvy, allow the assholes to hurt us again and again. Lead us by example Dear One. I for one so need to see the struggle be worthwhile. Hugs!

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  19. I don't know how I missed this. The day it was posted I was dwelling on the fact that I am separated still after 4 years, he lives with my sister, and it was my 57th birthday. So, I am sure I was in a self induced medicated coma to forget about life.

    But tonight, still alive, and medicated, I see this blog post.

    In my short four years of being separated from the person I refer to as "The Milkman" I also had a "chance" to get swept up in the hell I was trying to get away from.That's the longest sentence ever, add punctuation as you need to. I call him the "The Milkman" because I enjoy telling my son that's who his real father is, and we laugh. It's okay the kid is 20, has a high functioning form of Autism. He's an Aspie, and a very funny one too. Anyway "The Milkman" was being very nice, kind, understanding, like someone I might want to actually live with. Turns out all he wanted was sex, which was a shock because I suck at sex, not literally. But men get desperate. All the sudden they realize that probably no one else is going to put up with their shit, except someone who they had lived with for years. Suddenly everything you ever fought about just disappears!
    It's like some cruel magic trick without a cute bunny. Turns out within just a few days, a week at the most everything comes back. The very reason we separated returned because you can't fix stupid. He is what he is, and four years later I am better off without him. I am a Mother to one child. I don't want to be a Mother to two.

    When I saw the title to you post I laughed, I'm sorry to laugh at your expense. It's just the way you worded it, or he worded it. You have been asked to rejoin the household. Well that's just swell. Someone is getting tired of his responsibilities, and probably realized what it would be like to be single. As much as some women don't like to be single, men are worse. They cannot live alone. They have to have a relationship even if it sucks. Honestly I think that's what "The Milkman" was waiting for, an invitation to come back home. I looked at Hallmark. They don't make invitations for that. Sorry bud.

    So thank you for sharing your feelings, and your life story in the eloquent way you always do. It makes me feel not so crazy. I can see that other women go through this stupid shit too.

    Rejoin the household........I don't even have a clue where someone would think putting those words together and presenting the idea to you, was a good idea. You're better than me, I would've smacked him.

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  20. I know that you and I don't necessarily share the same music tastes, but this post took me back to a day when I said "WTF?" At the time this song was one of my theme songs. I hope that you like it too.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgTFlTs_NWk

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  21. Geico??!! ... I'm feeling that.. :) beautiful writing, you'd write books that others will read.. just do it!

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  22. I so miss the rampant sarcasm of the BiPolar group I used to belong to ... the one I am in now resembles a convention of medicated fish ... sigh.

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  23. Have you written your book yet? Because seriously, I already want to buy it. Discovered you via Facebook this morning, and haven't been able to stop reading. Love your brain!!

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  24. Anyone can go through a live-changing event. I've been told to write a book too. Have not gotten as far as you.

    Your traumatic event is exquisitely captured in your writing. Brief, descriptive and engaging. You've GOT to be "crazy"!!

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  25. I feel voyeuristic reading this. You are very brave; exposing yourself in this way. Quite apart from that sentiment, In this observers humble opine it is a beautiful piece of writing. The mitre is pitch perfect and scans just so. You have a voice, and what's more, I can hear it!

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  26. I stumbled upon you via facebook.started looking over your stuff.Reading you,I feel as if I'm returning home.Granted,its a screwed up dysfunctional home,but ,being"home"its warm and comfortable.Pleased to meet you!!

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  27. Hopefully sooner than later I will find the courage to do what you have done. It is so easy to get tricked into sliding back down the slope into a hopelessly hurtful and degrading relationship with someone who can twist my reality with his words. You speak it though. You put the wrongness back into the subtleties that I keep loosing the ability to define. That ae stripping me of nyself while I make excuses and say again that its not that big of a deal to make one more "wine run" for him again tonight. I don't really have anything important to do...

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