Sunday, September 9, 2012
Heartbreak Hotel: A Study in Anxiety
I want to cry. In fact, I have been crying off and on all day. Mamas (and papas too, I suppose), don't let your kids grow up. Because the day will come when they break your heart in ways you never even dreamed of. And you know how they will do this?
The exact same way you did it to your parents. And guess what? You are going to feel like it is all your fault. Just like they did. Or maybe they didn't but they might have and how awful that must have felt because goddamnit I feel really awful right now so buckle up because I am going to tell you.
Right now I have three kids all breaking my heart, each in their own way. I feel funny writing about them, because it's unfair to them that I write about them all over the internet. I don't mention them by name but still. Anyway, this hypothetical bipolar nutjob who pretends she's a big deal to some people she met on Facebook has three kids and each of them is tearing her up like you tear up the turf doing donuts on the football field in the drum major's Jeep for your senior prank. How's that for anonymous?
Heartbreak No. 1: 19-yo daughter is in love with this kid who's been taken from his parents and put in foster care and been in juvie like three times and doesn't really have a place to live and it's not really clear to us wtf the story is but she loves him and we're not completely heartless to his plight but she has him stay over even though we said we didn't like it and I'm just so wracked up over this I can't get my breath.
Heartbreak No. 2: 17-yo daughter is getting ready to leave for college and the tears are streaming down my face as I type this because I'm the hypothetical bipolar nutjob from two paragraphs ago and I have no business even trying to live in the world, let alone raise kids who are going around breaking my heart over and over. And sometimes it feels like this kid is the only thing standing between me and the cliff over which I would drive my car over which is a huge exaggeration because I would never do that but I might consider running away.
Heartbreak No. 3: 13-yo son is packing on the pounds and all he likes to do is play that card game Magic: the Gathering which is actually pretty okay with me if he would stop eating so much junk and maybe exercise a little more and who the hell can tell that to their kid but he also needs to pay a little more attention to his schoolwork because he is superbright but he is going to be mad at himself later on when he realizes that he got left behind because he wasn't motivated to do his best because his parents are still struggling with how to encourage him without making him fucking nuts.
So yeah that's my blog post and I'm just posting it without editing it NOT because I need advice (please don't give me any) but because I need to put it out there and please for the love of God understand that the run-on sentences are a stylistic device I'm using to show you how the thoughts are running through my head but you have to know that they are running even faster than this in fact swarming is actually a better word and that's another reason I have to post this without editing it.
Namaste and thanks for reading if you even got this far because god knows it's hard to read this style of writing without editing the fuck out of it but as I may have mentioned I'm not going to so there you go.
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I had no problem reading your blog as my thoughts are moving 100 miles an hour in my head. No advice from me.....
ReplyDelete19 year old son here with Aspergers, a high level functioning? form of autism. I love the kid yes he will always be my kid to me. Soooooo smart, but not able to do the simplest things. I can't open this can, how do you tie this trash bag, which way do you turn the light bulb? Sounds simple enough I suppose if you don't live it daily and feel so responsible that somewhere along the way I as his Mom who homeschooled him fucked up in a major way. He is somewhat overweight, some of that due to me not realizing that since age 9 he was depressed. His father was living with us at the time but has since moved onto live with my sister, but I digress. Where the hell is the Mom manual? Was I so out of it that it slipped into the trash immediately after childbirth? So although I can't completely understand everything you are feeling Mina Klonpina, please know there are so many other Mom's whose brains are running a million miles a minute trying to solve the heartbreak within them. Jeez it must be time for more meds. Namaste <3
TKC. I am glad that someone else thinks in run-on sentences ;) Secondly, I have two young daughters & understand Heartbreak Hotel in a similar way. Well, certainly the guilt trip part of it. It's been a roller coaster week for me & we know how misery enjoys company! You give me hope as a nutjob parent. So thanks.
ReplyDeleteLady, u rock and u are def not alone. I've been crying off and on for days because of the mere fact that my frustration level has gone above and beyond its limit. My kids (girl 11 going on 17 and boy just turned 10 going on 5) are not quite where yours are, but they sure as hell are working on it and my very last frayed nerve. Their fajah and I have a mutual 'I can't stand the sight of u nor do I want to hear you utter a word' type relationship so yeah you guessed it.. He's just not much help. At this point, my breaking heart has more to do with the blatant non-listening - sooo tired of saying things 7 times - and the constant bickering/bullying that we must endure 24/7. Hang in there and just know that we love your paragraph long sentences and screw editing !! Unless u have a 'smart phone' that changes your normal shit to some crap that #1 makes no sense and #2 sticks a word in there that you have actually never heard of
ReplyDeleteno advice klonnie, just want to let you know im standing next to you crying too. i saw my son saturday for the first time in 3 years....
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for what you're going through. It's a cold, hard slap of reality when we realize how badly we broke our parents' hearts when our own kids start to break ours. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHang in there darlin'. One day, grandkids will make up for all of it :)
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you have an outlet to, well,let it out.
ReplyDeleteNo adivce, a little comisseration, and - well heck Klon it sounds like you're doing an awesome job with the kids. Gawd knows they don't make it easy.
And love love love the sideline "Taking psychotropic drugs because you need to is kind of a waste of a good buzz". Mine is Cymbalta - the drug that makes you enjoy life just enough to not celebrate it with alcohol. 0_O
Theresa (aka Land of Misfit Toys)
Love you, Klonnie. I wish I had a mom like you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWow. Wow, wow, and wow. Just, first of all, I love you and the way you write. Holy heck. I want to be you when I grow up writer-ararily. So there's that. And then I will offer no advice, as I can't possibly, as I only have one kid who is 6 1/2 years old and hecka easy and as my womb is closed for business that's all I'm going to have so the fact that you have THREE, let alone three who are TEENAGERS, and you are able to actually type one sentence let alone several is amazing. Truly. I am sending you cyberhugs because sometimes those help. I truly hope I will be able to express myself as well when my kid is like 16 and I'm 51 or so and deep in the throes of menopause and we are going at it all the time. I also wonder how many mg of Prozac I'll be on then... hmmm... Anyway, I'm glad you're here and so honest and awesome.
ReplyDeletei have 4 kids. my oldest is about to be a teenager. i thank god every day the only thing she has in common with me is my plucky sense of humor. i too "suffer" from needing the psychotropic meds. but seriously, there is a med strong enough to spare you the heart break kids bring. no advice, just a nod and a sympathetic smile! much love mamma!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your funk...but am happy to see you are challenging William Faulkner's Guinness record for the longest sentence ever published!
ReplyDeleteI'm so surprised you don't want 8 billion people giving you advice about how to raise your children. SO SURPRISED. By the number of comments people tend to leave about child-rearing you'd think it was the most welcomed type of comment/post ever...... right. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteWe seem to have the same whirlwind of thoughts, or "worries" as I call them. I call them that... Because every time the thoughts start, each one leaves me doubting, cussing, crying. They ("the worries") flood me, until I can't breathe. I can't eat, or sleep. And then... Nothing. Silence, long enough to catch a nap, until the baby wakes up. Rinse and repeat.
ReplyDeleteYou're bloody fantastic lady.
ReplyDelete