Tuesday, February 26, 2019

So irritating, really

I know there should be some structure to this narrative but I’m just going to start with what comes to mind. Maybe someday I’ll find an editor to help me corral all this nonsense into something worth reading in long form. But today I want to whine about shit that doesn’t matter like omg my ex died and never updated his will after we were divorced so GUESS WHO gets to be the executor of his estate and clean up all his messes post mortem? The good news is at least there is money to take care of his debts so I really have no business complaining. It could be SO MUCH WORSE if you can believe that.  But fuck if I don’t come home from a long day of doing other people’s taxes (glad for the work) and 90 minutes on rainy mountain roads (glad for my cozy home in the redwoods) and then sit down with angry letters from creditors who don’t seem to understand that none of this is really my problem. I’ve just always been the responsible one and that’s the sad fact.

I would run away in a minute if I thought I could get away with it. But the kids, always the kids, even though they’re semi-adults now. They shouldn’t have to deal with this at their tender age. You should definitely be in your 30s AT LEAST when your parent dies. You shouldn’t be a sophomore in college and have to take incompletes for the semester that you have to make up over Christmas break because you simply can’t go back to school feeling the way you do.

You should definitely be in your 70s AT LEAST when your spouse or even (especially) your ex dies. All I can say to you sweet young things out there is if you get divorced, try to get your ex-spouse to change their will before they become an ex-person or at least have the decency to remarry so that their death is someone else’s problem, logistically-speaking. Because someone else should get to (and want to) display that urn (yeah, you know the one) and be glad for the opportunity to plan their loved one’s memorial (ugh do we really have to go out to the beach to scatter the you-know-what and then have food and stuff afterward ugh ugh ugh) and call up all the banks and creditors and lawyers and just everyone and deal with things like why is he still getting charged for phone service when I thought that nonsense was cancelled months ago - oh and who’s going to return the cable box - oh well I guess it’s easier just to pay for it, etc etc etc ad nauseam.

There was a pack of Camels in the glove compartment of his car so GUESS WHO is now sitting on the deck each night with a bottle of IPA and exactly one cigarette because I’m responsible even when I’m irresponsible if that makes any sense at all. I haven’t smoked since 1997 but goddamnit if my ex can die of organ failure from abusing his body for four decades then I guess I can smoke one cigarette a day and it’ll be okay.

Sue me. I have a lawyer now. I can take it.

Okay that’s all I have the energy for right now. Thanks for wanting me to write this. I might have done anyway but now at least this tree falling in the woods is making a sound.


  1. So glad you're here. Keep trudging. It will get easier. Try and find one thing that brings you joy every day. Every single smile and laugh is a win. Take really good self care of you, honey.

  2. Thank you. For being honest, raw, funny and wonderful during this crappy time.

  3. Ya know. Shit just has to happen. And then we come out the other side. Sadly/eventually, your were Ex's adult. I am sorry.
    I am proud to hold you up.

  4. Make your sounds, we're listening.
    That's some real bullshit and it sounds like way more talking and people than is reasonable. Hugs. Or not, if you're not into that.

  5. My Ex Died 3 years ago. I think about him more now than I did in the last 15 years that we have been divorced. Why? It was awful, still is sometimes, why doesn't anyone tell us ahead of time? My Ex also died of organ failure, from 40 years of self inflicted dysfunctional, alcoholic living. My 2 boys were distroyed. There was no will so my oldest son (of 2) was 32 and the executor. So wrong that he had to deal with all the crap that you are going through while trying to keep it together for his daughter and wife.Im only sharing to let you know that I commiserate, I understand at least parts of how you feel and I am hoping you have some support, at least emotionally. I keep wondering is it normal to feel like he is lurking... Just outside of this realm. Poking at me,I find myself staying strange little phrases that he said and going wtf was that... And Why!! Maybe knowing that you are not alone with your feelings will help, I hope it is maybe a little comfort. Let me know anytime that you want to chat,
    Sincerely, really.