tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post5161312065893781131..comments2023-12-11T23:17:39.356-08:00Comments on The Klonopin Chronicles: The Worst Thing About DepressionThe Klonopin Chronicleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09000707731307885384noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-15238907453040294202016-12-22T07:31:16.681-08:002016-12-22T07:31:16.681-08:00"I can’t stay in bed because panic, masquerad..."I can’t stay in bed because panic, masquerading as hope, pretending to be courage, compels me, propels me, and I hurtle out of bed, already exhausted before the day has begun." THIS. Celexa and Wellbutrin are wonderful drugs. I know THIS every single day, but it numbs the sharpness of the wound that keeps opening. I know it will never heal. With drugs I can ignore it mostly enough to get through the day. Still, my most favorite part of the day is my commute. Me, alone in my car, no kids to see me fuck up, no husband to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong, no Aleppo or Trump videos showing me how horrible this world is, letting the thoughts just come and go as they please. When I get to thoughts that cause tears, enough so I can't see enough to drive safely (because, fuck me, I just could not live with myself if I hurt anyone else on the road), I pull over and bawl quickly, then find a song on the radio I know the words to (no matter how bad of a song it might be) and SING wicked loud all the way to work. Talk about exhausted before the work day has even started. KtotheLnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-56385434695473464672016-12-21T22:07:00.673-08:002016-12-21T22:07:00.673-08:00I enjoy every word you drop, and coming from a ano...I enjoy every word you drop, and coming from a another bipolar person who has the mania as well as the drop and we do see it. But only us. My Dr thinks it's a good idea to wean me off klon and start depakote, which has had a dose increase twice now and I still am pulling all nighters 2 or 3 nights a week! You, as we all are, are a little different, a little whacked, and most importantly, honestly human. Keep being witty and blogging about life, cuz we can't let em see us sweat, right? ❤☔Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06244154899924296991noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-37059795260225217002016-10-10T14:58:20.182-07:002016-10-10T14:58:20.182-07:00Thank you for writing this. Every word resonates w...Thank you for writing this. Every word resonates with me. I feel you have looked into my soul and put into words what I can not. I now know I am not alone.highgrove85https://www.blogger.com/profile/13602414238426735163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-57035962633196916542015-10-03T10:26:44.695-07:002015-10-03T10:26:44.695-07:00Right on the nose... I was hiding under the dinin...Right on the nose... I was hiding under the dining room table when I was younger than 6 years old when anyone came over. I was overwhelmed with panic and shame if I was discovered. I didn't want anyone looking at me or talking to me outside of my family and little friends. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-4719867640896490982015-10-03T10:15:32.823-07:002015-10-03T10:15:32.823-07:00My good lady you are not a sham! As you read all y...My good lady you are not a sham! As you read all your comments I hope somewhere in your mind you will understand just how much you help all of us. Thank you for your honesty, so many of us don't know how to put it in words. I have always felt this way and have had many of the same experiences. I fell hard down the rabbit tunnel 2 days ago and for the first time in 41 years felt like I could not climb out this time...this gave me some hope so today I will try and understand I am not alone and try not to hide. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do and how you help everyone of us on the daily! A laugh and a smile can bring so much to someone who is so lost.Ericahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14603422361461948333noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-50714746165696859492014-06-01T17:14:52.075-07:002014-06-01T17:14:52.075-07:00Same here. It will be over soon.Same here. It will be over soon.shardazehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05268336450738841023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-18224768561743578382014-06-01T01:11:36.103-07:002014-06-01T01:11:36.103-07:00very well written. I have suffered with depressio...very well written. I have suffered with depression for 24 years, actively seeing shrinks, getting different meds or combinations of such, multiple hospitalization, YEARS of therapy, 10 shock treatments. I have "treatment resistant" depression. I constantly have a tape going on in my mind, repeating "I wish I was dead I wish I was dead I wish I was dead". And no one understands. you can't just pull yourself out of it. My mother's response, every time I tell her I am down, is "why? what happened" and I say "nothing HAPPENED. I just have depression". It is maddening. LOst all my friends because I'm "too negative."Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06028386165669280196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-89332090398504867812014-05-31T23:34:45.233-07:002014-05-31T23:34:45.233-07:00I'm really starting to believe that any person...I'm really starting to believe that any person that does not go through this is the not normal person. How is it possible there are humans out there that do not experience this? This cycle and its immense ability to grip one's life is too much to be abnormal. Ugh. I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself. I just don't want to be anymore. <br />I'm going to my corner now to stare at the wall and maybe cry. The maybe means I'm on the up swing. Yay. blueyedcolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12583289269189529074noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-38225225658352545892014-05-31T20:56:37.929-07:002014-05-31T20:56:37.929-07:00I agree, just say it differently. Life does get be...I agree, just say it differently. Life does get better, but it gets crappy again, it is a never ending cycle. Ah, the joys of The Roller Coaster :/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-77036061711220572072014-05-31T20:08:59.731-07:002014-05-31T20:08:59.731-07:00Hey Klonnie~ Have I mentioned that I am really sor...Hey Klonnie~ Have I mentioned that I am really sorry that your illness makes you feel this way. Thank you for your bravery in saying it out loud. This nutjob hopes that you will find all of this therapeutic and that your "stuff" will get better if even a little. Maryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17283702292178410906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-65157205568773368612014-05-31T16:24:45.073-07:002014-05-31T16:24:45.073-07:00Thanks for sharing. I get this. My wife is bi-po...Thanks for sharing. I get this. My wife is bi-polar. We've been married 18 years. I see mostly the depressive cycles. She hides the mania phases (when they occur) for about a week until I catch on. She wants to enjoy the ride until I march her to the doc. lol I hope you have loving people in your life. That matters. I enjoy your posts. Take care and be well. Chopper the Great (or not so)https://www.blogger.com/profile/18209753223708880779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-11786536235084424702014-05-31T16:22:01.719-07:002014-05-31T16:22:01.719-07:00Ever since I tried to kill myself at the age of 16...Ever since I tried to kill myself at the age of 16, have I never been able to put into words as to how I was feeling. You have taken what I would have said and put it in print and allowed me to see myself through what I can only describe as survival. I still get some of those feelings. I still feel like dying. But I know I won't do anything. But the feelings are still there. Especially when I start second guessing and remembering and thinking that I'm not worthy to be in this world. The self talk goes on for days because my friends have all abandoned me because they didn't like listening to me. They could never understand because they were so perfect. There are nights when I try to find help but it's not where I want it to come from. Me. Thanks for catching me by writing about how I've felt and feel.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00993834830614545420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-36133615263099617072014-05-31T15:58:28.838-07:002014-05-31T15:58:28.838-07:00All of this resonates with me. But the part that h...All of this resonates with me. But the part that hits the hardest is the part about getting out of bed. I always wondered about that. How is it that I, in the middle of the worst depressions, when I can't shower, I can't eat, I don't want to exist, HOW AM I GETTING OUT OF BED?!?! And you nailed it. Mustn't let them see JUST how much of a mess I truly am. That fear and panic were the only things getting me out of bed as well. Thank you.SquirrelyStewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09818858625347164844noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-48669080218828258352014-05-16T09:30:56.187-07:002014-05-16T09:30:56.187-07:00You nailed it so hard. I need my husband to read t...You nailed it so hard. I need my husband to read this. He needs to read this. Maybe my in-laws, too, because I skip more events than I should. <br /><br />My children had a book when they were small. It was a cardboard book for goodnight. The first part was "Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball, so no one can see me because I'm so small." <br /><br />There were nights of panic where I couldn't sleep no matter how tired I was that I had my husband recite that line over and over. And I would curl up, and get small.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17950944217158291688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-23136207796979474732014-03-09T13:27:41.403-07:002014-03-09T13:27:41.403-07:00Although you may not want the recognition, and wan...Although you may not want the recognition, and want to hide, all these people feel similar to you. I know I do. I really just don't want my kids to grow up thinking that mommy is crazy. I find that I have to make myself do one thing a day, that way I can feel "accomplished" for not giving into sitting curled up for the whole day. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-65805768858877000962014-02-11T09:36:11.947-08:002014-02-11T09:36:11.947-08:00you and i must be related. twins separated at bir...you and i must be related. twins separated at birth or something except you say things way better than i ever could. <3mgjackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11554200528400819366noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-52051122930605210542014-02-11T09:13:57.437-08:002014-02-11T09:13:57.437-08:00If I can love you this much, maybe some day I can ...If I can love you this much, maybe some day I can not hate me. Maybe. Probably not. Love you. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14021386971016023116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-5090849132154894532014-02-06T18:17:47.950-08:002014-02-06T18:17:47.950-08:00Perfect. <3Perfect. <3Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-7240575773099565352014-02-05T21:28:36.152-08:002014-02-05T21:28:36.152-08:00This comment has been removed by the author.Amusinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10027132153964474192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-17151755894735873192014-02-05T20:56:22.673-08:002014-02-05T20:56:22.673-08:00Get outta my goddamn head. There's only room e...Get outta my goddamn head. There's only room enough for the five of us.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-6970661540675474772014-02-05T14:59:37.545-08:002014-02-05T14:59:37.545-08:00Klonnie, you put into words what is so hard for me...Klonnie, you put into words what is so hard for me to express!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-564289250511647612014-02-04T00:37:06.278-08:002014-02-04T00:37:06.278-08:00I used to think i was the only one. My old therapi...I used to think i was the only one. My old therapist was the one who pointed out that its more common than we think. People often dont talk about it, so we feel alone in our "not wanting to kill ourselves, but wishing to just cease to exist"<br /><br />The same goes for homicidal thoughts. She said the difference between normal people and murderers is that "normal" people generally know muder is wrong and never actually kill people (I was certain i had gone crazy because i was fantasizing about killing my boss who had assulted me at work and put me in therapy)<br /><br />Okay that all got way creepy. Not my intention! Intersting to think about anyway. I really just wanted to point out that your blogging is quite helpful to a lot of us dealing with the same feelings, and feeling entirely alone about it. Im sure you read that blog post about depression that went viral a while back (i think it was hyperboleandahalf(dot)com. If you didnt its a MUST read)<br /><br />Now im rambling. Thank you for sharing. I know all the feelings. Or lack of. You get it. Amanda Dearesthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00422761075100911120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-15129184893752679992014-02-03T22:49:39.546-08:002014-02-03T22:49:39.546-08:00wow......just wow...it's all i've got.wow......just wow...it's all i've got.imisswyatthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11803735279320892274noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-89041244811817847392014-02-03T12:51:35.178-08:002014-02-03T12:51:35.178-08:00i'm sitting here crying because so much of wha...i'm sitting here crying because so much of what you said could have come straight out of my mouth. I fucking HATE this depression. Floridian Artisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17195058467175589776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433738082974955694.post-833572773842466302014-02-03T09:56:04.534-08:002014-02-03T09:56:04.534-08:00I envy the way you express your feelings through w...I envy the way you express your feelings through words...writing is therapeutic Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02120302938861567022noreply@blogger.com