People throw the term "bipolar" around a lot these days. It's been a label I have worn for thirty years. I'm calm enough now to articulate what it feels like to be so brilliant that you can't describe it. Which is pretty goddamn ironic, if you ask me. I write down what I think instead of saying it out loud so that I don't cause harm to myself or others.
You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. Oh wait, that’s me.
This little trope was making the blog-rounds a while back, and I was fortunate to be tagged. I haven't really had much time to write a post lately, what with leaving my husband and regaining my sanity and learning to "tough-love" my daughter without people thinking I'm a monster (like I give a fuck, well, yeah, I desperately give a fuck). But I digress.
Anyway. Here are some questions, the answers to which will make a blog post, which I definitely need right now. The things I'm thinking about these days are too complicated and take too much focus and it's all I can do to keep getting up at dawn and race around doing everythingeverythingeverything because it's tax season oh and did I mention I left home and my daughter ran off to live with her boyfriend in a rusted-out Caddy?
So. Um. Yeah.
1. Where were you born?
In a hospital. I can't say any more than that. You guys really can't know anything about me. It's in the terms of my contract with Witness Protection.
2. Were you named after someone?
My paternal grandmother. Right down to the middle name. So that I had to have "II" after my name before I got married. I am not fucking kidding.
3. How many children do you have?
Three. Well. Four, I guess. Emotional age? I’m gonna go with four.
4. How many pets?
There are two dogs whom I love more than I love most people and I am very fortunate to be the human that they have.
5. What's the worst injury you ever sustained?
A broken heart? No. No real injuries of any kind. No real physical ones. YOU know.
6. Do you have any special talents?
When I'm not curled up under my bed in the fetal position, I am the funniest, smartest and best writer in the known universe. I mean, you know, no.
7. Favorite thing to bake?
Brownies. Do not leave me alone with that pan.
God. Everything. Pick a continent. Any continent. I like food from there (hey, melted snow is water and I love water). But put Brussels sprouts on my plate and I will bitchslap you into the middle of next week.
9. Would you bungee jump?
In the words of Woody Allen, "Not even if it would help the space program."
10. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Whether they like me. I can spot that a mile away.
11. When was the last time you cried?
ZOMFG DO YOU LIKE KNOW ME AT ALL YES I'M YELLING
12. Any current worries?
13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.
14. What's your favorite book?
Mine. As soon as I write it.
15. Would you like to be a pirate?
What kind of stupid question is that? Isn't this a job interview?
16. Favorite smells?
TOP OF THE BABY'S HEAD YES I'M YELLING AGAIN
17. Why do you blog?
Because there are a lot of people talking in my head and if I write down some of what they say, they seem calmer overall. Plus I love to make you guys laugh or at least go -- whoa, that bitch be cray. Funny. But cray.
18. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Wow. I never thought about it. Put that on my bucket list. I'm really going to have to cross that one off, though, or it's going to be awfully quiet up in that bitch.
19. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
"My sense of humor. It's gotten me through lots of hard times throughout my life, I'm seriously my own best friend...I can make myself laugh better than any of my friends." My friend It's Cool To Be OCD wrote that in his version of this blog post. So I'd like to thank him for saving me the time. ME TOO GUESS WHAT YELLING YEAH YOU KNOW ME
20. Favorite hobby?
I used to have hobbies. Now I have Facebook. Draw your own conclusions.
(Meh. I do have hobbies. I love music. I like to run with my dogs. I like to swim. I like to go camping. For serious.)
21. Name something you've done, you never thought you would do?
I've left my husband. I never thought I would do that in a million years. Which is pretty silly because who lives long enough to find out what they would do in a million years? That's just crazy talk, pure and simple.
22. What do you look for in a friend?
If you could scratch my back, right . . THERE . . . that'd be peachy. I’m sorry. You were saying?
23. Favorite fun things to do?
I love live music. But I hate crowds. So I like little supper clubs and jazz bars and if the Black Keys would drop in one day here at the office, I wouldn't say no to a little impromptu concert.
24. Pet peeves?
ZOMFG DO YOU LIKE KNOW ME AT ALL THERE'S THAT CAPS LOCK AGAIN
25. What's the last thing that made you laugh?
What's the last thing that *didn't* make me laugh is a fairer question.
Now you. If you're a blogger that reads my blog, consider yourself tagged.